Write at the Heart

Okay, not gonna lie. I was behind on my scripture reading. So I settled into a chair on the deck one evening last week to tackle D&C section 88. I wasn’t planning on reading the whole thing in one sitting. But I could not stop. I was thirsty for it. Charged by it! Thinking. Underlining. Writing. Circling repeated words. “Law.” “Sanctified.” “Quickened.” “Light.” I read & read as the sun set, until my eyes strained in the growing darkness.  Good thing “the light shineth in darkness” (49) I thought of this HUGE eternal plan. Of the earth, made for us. And “after it hath filled the measure of its creation, it shall be crowned with glory” (19).  The earth itself is filling the measure of its creation. Then it will die.  Then renewed, sanctified, & prepared to be, well, “heaven” itself 🤯. Am I fulfilling the measure of MY creation? Am I prepared to die, to “rise again, a spiritual body,” (27)? Prepared to be sanctified? Prepared for celestial glory? Prepared to me...

She’d acted so strong. Completely unfazed.  When others asked how my kids were doing, I told them others were struggling, but NOT her. Until one day, weeks later, when the dam BURST. And all those pent up feelings exploded. “I wanna go home!” she sobbed. I sobbed with her.  Her brokenness broke me that night. I suddenly second guessed everything. Why? Why did we do this? Why did we move when we were JUST FINE where we were? How could we do this to our kids!? Were our promptings right?  We went from comfortably happy to DELIBERATELY stepping into the river of change, where our lives were swept gently to this exact place. A place we never planned for. A place we assumed would be temporary until we made it to our “real” place. A place I feel, more than ever, we were meant to be. Now 19 months later, we curiously asked our kids where they’d live right now if they had the choice. Here in Ohio. Or back in Utah. All six kids said HERE. And the child who shook with tears begging ...

Yesterday as I combed my 11-year-old’s hair, she directed me, “Put it in a ponytail. But NOT a low ponytail. Last time it was in a low ponytail I looked like I was about to sign the Declaration of Independence!” 😂 It reminded me of her little sister’s comment years ago after I’d combed HER hair in a slicked back ponytail- she told me accusingly in her 4-year-old voice, “Mom! You made me look like an evil queen!” In both cases I thought they looked adorable! Yet, as soon as each of them brought up what THEY saw, I kinda saw it too!😆 Perspective. Lately I’m trying to find the balance between staying loyal to the things I know to be true & having empathy for others’ experiences different from my own. Where is the line? Can I be sympathetic to others- i.e. those who have different views of the church- & still be loyal to the things I hold sacred? I am trying. I can & should hold space for others to follow their path- but I must not sacrifice my own. I can & should reach o...

A couple weeks ago my 9 and 7-year-old kids wanted to have a lemonade stand.  They mixed lemon juice, sugar, & water into something that resembled lemonade, but was not very, what’s the word… good. 😬 They BEGGED to sell it on our driveway. I gave in, cringed from the window, &, like the good mom that I am, prayed no one would come. (Did I mention it was REALLY NOT good lemonade?!) No one came. At first. Then 4 or 5 of their little neighbor friends came by. I watched as they each ran home & back with dollar bills in hand for 25-cent bland lemon-ish water. I watched as they gulped from their cups & enthusiastically told my kids it was yummy. I watched as they brought over a bigger table. I watched as they set up camping chairs to sit with them. I watched as they took turns waving the poster high in the air. And when my daughter accidentally spilled the WHOLE pitcher of lemonade onto the ground, I watched her friend run to fetch store-bought lemonade from her fridge t...

My kids have said some pretty funny things over the years, & lucky for them, I’ve written many of them down! So when I read D&C 68:25, “And they shall also teach their children to pray,” I had to find some of the prayers from the mouths of my babes: “Please bless that [brother] won’t get punched in the face tomorrow.” “Please bless the food, & please bless the monsters outside.” "Please bless that Jesus didn't make any grinches cause they have stinky hearts." “Please bless that [little toddler sister] will stop choking everyone.” “Please bless that we won't kill anyone.” “We're thankful that Jesus loves bad people AND he loves good people. Help me and [sister] to get along better. Help us to eat healthy. Amen." “Bless that mommy will drive good." Gotta love some of those child prayers! There have been some interesting (and semi-violent) ones!  There have also been some incredibly beautiful, faith-filled prayers from my kids over the years. I’...

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m supposed to do something, something personal & something hard. Something I would rather not do!!! I told God: Okay, if you REALLY want me to do it, I’m gonna need you to be, like, REALLY clear. Cause I’m NOT gonna do it if you aren’t!!! I know, probably not the best way to talk to Him. But I was being honest! Well, He was very clear today! So clear I had to escape to the bathroom & cry while I digest what this means. I’ve pushed & pushed it away! But… I need to face it. Do I have the strength?!  My younger kids have been in swimming lessons all week, & I can’t stop thinking about them jumping off the diving board for the first time.  An instructor led each of the kids in their class onto the board, one by one. Some looked a bit cautious, while some were visibly scared, knees wobbling up there above the water. A second instructor waited in the water for them. Smiling. Nodding. Encouraging. Understanding their fears, but asking t...

I was 16 years old & struggling. One night I tearfully prayed for help. I also asked about something very specific. The next night, I humbly asked my dad for a blessing. From my journal: “I briefly, very briefly, told my dad I needed spiritual help. …dad laid his hands on my head. I was pleading he’d know what to say. He did. …It was completely amazing! Dad had no idea that happened [about the night before]. None! There is no way he could have known! This is from God!” The blessing addressed exactly what had been on my heart. “My dad was inspired. …The blessing was what I needed to hear. …Now I just need the strength … to heed my blessing. I pray I won’t forget it.” I couldn’t help but think of that experience as I read about William McLellin, who said he “went before the Lord in secret, & on my knees asked him to reveal the answer to 5 questions through his Prophet.” He approached Joseph Smith, asked for a revelation, & waited to see if he’d hear answers to his 5 questions...