Write at the Heart

I’m SURE the Jaredites did not sing EVERY day of their 344-day journey while tossed around at sea, stuck in barges, eating who knows what, separated from friends, with minimal personal space, no nature, nowhere to escape, no end in sight, no Google Maps telling them their estimated arrival time, not to mention a questionable plumbing situation...  And I’m SURE not ALL of them sang, I mean, there’s gotta be that guy in the corner wondering how he got trapped in the von Trapp family...  Or maybe they did?! “And they did sing praises to the Lord; yes, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord” (Eth. 6:9) They sang through the wind. They sang DURING THE TRIAL. Who does that? The Jaredites. And my mom.  A few years ago she helped me train for my first marathon. I woke up the morning of our scheduled 18-mile run to an actual blizzard. But I knew my mo...

Late one winter night, my husband & I were driving home from Salt Lake with two of our kids & sister-in-law. We hit some ice & spun out of control until we landed on the steep muddy bank of a huge ditch. We were shook up, but we were fine! While we called a tow truck, we saw a car hit the cement median, another hit the exit sign, and another clip the car of a guy who’d stopped to check on us. It was wild, like pinball on ice! Thankfully, everyone was okay!  Us girls then walked up the exit to a safe spot while my husband waited in the car for the tow truck. While in the car, he said a prayer of thanks, then felt prompted to put his seatbelt on again. A second later, a truck sliding at freeway speed crashed into him head-on. Remarkably, he was fine (a few days of sore ribs) & so was the truck driver. In fact, hitting our car stopped his from tumbling into the water-filled ditch. A MINUTE later the tow truck arrived... just in time to take our now totaled car to the j...

When my daughter was 4, she exclaimed one day, "I can't believe Jesus MADE me!!” It was so random, I laughed & said, “I know!"  To which she responded thoughtfully, "He's a sweet guy." 😂 I had a horrible relationship with my body as a teenager. I struggled with disordered eating and my self esteem was trapped on a rollercoaster with ups & downs depending on what I THOUGHT I saw in the mirror each day.  Thankfully that is WAY behind me. I don’t even know that girl anymore! Much of the healing came from recognizing JUST what my daughter exclaimed: He Made Me. Receiving this body was part of my eternal plan. I fought for it. I shouted for joy for it. It is the vessel that carries my spirit. It is the instrument of God, helping fulfill His purpose. It is not something to be despised. It is a gift! I am so grateful for what it can do! “Our entire perspective of ourselves, our worth, and what we can make of our lives is altered for good when we come to un...

It occurred to me...  Maybe WE are the stones. Regular old rocks. BUT- we wanted more. So we made a choice, long ago.  We fought for this choice! I think we gave ourselves pep talks... it’s gonna be hard, but we can do it!  We are ready! We won’t be alone! “And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea” (Ether 2:25) We came prepared! Prepared to be molten rock. To be refined, shaped, & polished... into glass. But that’s not all! It’s dark down here. We came prepared to be touched by the finger of God. We came prepared to be LIGHT. Can we TRULY be changed? We are regular rocks! Can He do it? “I know, O Lord, that thou hast all power, and can do whatsoever thou wilt for the benefit of man; therefore, touch these stones, O Lord, with thy finger, and prepare them that they may shine forth in darkness... that we may have light while we shall cross the sea” (3:4) He has the power to change...

Fall kinda stresses me out. As soon as I see those first colors make their grand appearance, I’m half happy gushing over the season and half heartbroken thinking of its end. Alas, it always does, despite my pleadings! Goodbye Fall, goodbye. But... of course I know it’s not the end. The leaves will be back. They will! You know what else comes back? Hair. Today I tried to trim side bangs & in an unfortunate series of events, I accidentally cut WAY TOO MUCH.  So now I resemble my 4th grade self.  It’s fine. 🤦‍♀️ But guess what- hair grows back! It is not the end! “Has the end come yet? Behold I say unto you, Nay; and God had not ceased to be a God of miracles.” (Mormon 9:15) Those words stood out to me this week! Whatever happens in life, we can be assured it is NOT the end. Things may look bleak for awhile. But this is the 2nd act in a 3-act play. There is always hope! Rob Gardner’s album “The Lamb of God” is so touching, and I recently listened to “Here is Hope,” meant to ...

In the midst of a years-long personal trial as a teenager, I wrote in my journal that it felt like I was in a pit, and try as I might, I could never quite reach the top. I was trapped. So reading about the “Three Nephites” being cast into prison, into furnaces, into dens of wild beasts,  and cast down into the earth... I felt it a bit. But- the prisons could not hold them.  The furnaces & wild beasts could not harm them.  And, “by [God’s] power they were delivered out of the depths of the earth; and therefore they could not dig pits sufficient to hold them.” (28:20) The “Three Nephites” greatest desire was to “bring the souls of men unto [Christ], while the world shall stand.” (3 Ne. 28:9)  Who are they? Where are they?  What’s it like to “behold all the doings of the Father unto the children of men”? (7)  What’s it like feeling no pain or sorrow, save for the sins of the world (which sounds like a lot of sorrow to me)? (9) What’s it like to minister on...

Years ago when my daughter was just learning soccer, we’d shout from the sidelines, “Get the ball! Take the ball! Kick the ball!” and it just wasn’t clicking. Then, after a couple games, she scored her first goal! She ran up to me and said with enlightenment, “Mom. Soccer games are NOT about being nice!” 😂 I get what she meant, but that’s not quite the lesson we wanted to teach! There’s always room for being nice. I’ve seen both good & bad sportsmanship watching kid sports! But it never fails- when a player gets injured on the field, ALL the other players from both teams “take a knee.” And when the fallen player gets back up, either to continue the game or sit on the sidelines, everyone applauds! We all get knocked down. We get bumped & bruised. We have mistakes & failures. Don’t we all deserve concern & respect in vulnerable times? Don’t we all deserve support & encouragement when we get back up? The words of Isaiah in 3 Ne. 22 are some of my absolute favorites. “...

 “Have ye any that are sick among you? Bring them hither... I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you. ...He did heal them, every one.” 3 Ne. 17:7-9 So beautiful! But what about those who weren’t there? What about those who are not healed? Three years ago today we lost my husband’s best friend, his brother, to cancer. It was heart wrenching.  The day after his death we watched conference and there was a talk by Elder Hallstrom called "Has the Day of Miracles Ceased?" And I bawled. He shared the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego from the Bible.  That phrase, "But if not," is compelling, poignant, powerful. Because- What about our prayers, what about our fasting, what about the priesthood blessings, what about our faith, his faith? He had the faith to be healed. We all knew it! We prayed for it! Through the ups and downs of treatments, we believed. This is why the question, "Do you have faith NOT to be healed?" is so thought-provoking...

Every single night for like a year now my littlest boy tells me, “I love you to the infinitieth power every day at every time." Then yesterday he came home from school with it written on the back of a worksheet. ❤️ I don't know where he got this saying, or where he learned the infinity symbol, but it is the sweetest! I mean, you can't really top the infinitieth power. This same kid also informed me awhile ago, “If you ever kicked me out of the house, I wouldn't run away from you, mom. I'd just stay on the front porch." 😂 I mean, I’m not PLANNING on kicking anyone out, but good to know!  Can you tell he’s kind of a mama’s boy? You know who else stays on the front porch after we kick Him out? The One who was born in a stable because there was no room for Him at the inn. The One who was mocked, scorned, humiliated, accused, betrayed, scourged, abused, put to death. The One who taught LOVE, even your enemies. The One whose message was and is rejected throughout h...

A few years ago my then 5-year-old was jumping on our brand new trampoline when suddenly I heard shrieking, “I BWOKE MY ARM!” My heart froze and I ran, really scared at what I’d see. What I saw left NO doubt- his arm was definitely broken! Gently placing his floppy arm onto a pillow while he cried in pain & terror, we raced to an urgent care, who told us to head directly to the hospital cause he was gonna need surgery! He’d broken it just above his elbow ALL the way across. About the worst arm break you could get.  After a lot of screaming, crying, bruising, swelling, an artery spasm, surgery with 3 pins put in, my brave boy was on the mend. The day finally came to get his cast off and I had my doubts. I’ve never broken a bone myself, so it seemed IMPOSSIBLE that his arm could go from that grotesque, limp thing I saw to a fully functional arm.  And yet- before my eyes was his healed arm! I winced as he moved it around, sure something would snap! But no- the bone had fused ...

Every week when we’d visit my grandparents, my oma would ask if I brought my piano books so I could play for her. If I’m honest, it annoyed me a bit because I really just wanted to watch TV. But we were close and I loved her dearly, so I played. She was on dialysis, and it wasn’t going well. The sicker she got, the softer she spoke, and with her thick German accent it became so hard to communicate! I felt so frustrated because she’d try to talk to me and I could barely understand her. But when I played music, we were on the same page. We understood. I started playing for her every chance I could. Sometimes she’d start sobbing in the middle of a song, startling me. I remember specifically she would cry when I played “Traumerei” by Schumann. “Traumerei” means “dreaming” in German. She’d say, “It’s so beautiful.” It still chokes me up. I saw music differently. It connected us. Oma was dying, and she wanted me to play. That was what she wanted from me in that last bit of time she had on ea...

  The phrase “Lift up your head” has been running through my mind all week. With their faith and their very lives at stake, Nephi was “exceedingly sorrowful” and “cried mightily to the Lord” 3 Ne 1:10,12) And then, a voice: “Lift up your head and be of good cheer; for behold, the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given, and on the morrow come I into the world” (13) I wish I could see Nephi’s reaction! Did he shout for joy? Did he cry with gratitude? Did his heart race at the reality that the Savior was about to be born? Did he run to reassure the believers that everything would be all right? Did he think, I’ve been waiting my whole life for this! Did he say to himself, I KNEW IT! I KNEW He would come! We’ve all looked down in sorrow. We’ve all carried heavy burdens. Maybe it’s weakness, shame, guilt. Maybe we feel unloved. Doubt. Fear. Anger. Powerless. Disappointed. Stuck. Confused. Twisted inside out in this upside down world. Darkness. So many reasons to look ...

  Nineteen years ago I woke up alone in my apartment at BYU-Idaho not knowing the world had changed forever. The TV had been left on, so I flipped through channels while eating cold cereal. I soon realized something was terribly wrong. My roommate burst in and I asked her WHAT IS GOING ON? I listened in shock. Later, thousands of anxious students gathered for a scheduled devotional with Elder Bednar, who was the president of the university at the time.  What would he say on this day of terror? He quoted D&C 45:26, "...and the whole earth shall be in commotion, and men's hearts shall fail them” And vs. 32, “But my disciples shall stand in holy places, and shall not be moved” He continued, “We have received a number of phone calls today in the President's Office: ‘Are classes cancelled?’ The answer is no. ‘Will the devotional continue as planned?’ The answer is yes. On this, of all days, we as disciples of the Savior have the opportunity to gather together and stand in h...

Have you ever had ongoing struggles with something, despite your efforts, and you’re like, am I just not PRAYING hard enough?! I wonder if Nephi had similar thoughts as he walked to his home, “much cast down.” He’d tried and tried to get people to listen without much success. Did he think, maybe I'm just not a good missionary anymore? Where are the angels, the hundreds of converts? It happened before, so where is it now? Maybe I've just lost it! Am I doing something wrong? Or maybe he was doing everything right, and the Lord’s definition of success is different than ours. During Nephi’s pondering, God tells him, “Blessed art thou, Nephi, for those things which thou hast done; for I have beheld how thou hast with unwearyingness declared the word... thou hast not feared them, and hast not sought thine own life, but hast sought my will, and to keep my commandments" Hel. 10:4 “I have beheld”! I SEE YOU. I SEE what you've done. I SEE that you're trying! I KNOW YOU. You’...

There was a time in my life where I could not comprehend life without babies and toddlers. And as exhausted as I was, the thought of the next stage of life scared me. I’d think, “HOW can I live in a world where things aren’t solved with timeouts and hugs? Where forgiveness doesn’t come easily, where consequences aren’t simply ‘no popsicles today!’ Will they trust me and love me like they do now? Will they believe in themselves the way they do now?” I KNEW how to parent little ones. What happened when they turned into, like, PEOPLE?! Well, guess what, I have people now. BUT, you know what? This stage of life is kinda awesome. Getting to KNOW them, their interests, their fears, their successes, their failures, their sense of humor, their dreams. They’re PRETTY GREAT people. With a lot less jam on their hands. Now they all start school tomorrow. Three different schools. Three different buses. 36 glue sticks and like 100 masks. We moved in right before the shutdown, so some are really nerv...

We visited Niagara Falls a couple weeks ago. Everyone was excited except my 6-year-old, who sobbed on the way there! Poor kid was still traumatized by our canoe incident a few weeks ago (it tipped & he fell out). So when he found out we were going on a boat, he was terrified. After a million questions (does the boat go fast? Does the boat go down a waterfall? Is the water deep?) we calmed him down. He bravely stepped on the boat and LOVED it all, afterwards declaring that it was “the best thing I’ve done in this world!” Niagara Falls is incredible! It’s an adrenaline rush just standing next to it! You can’t help but feel awe at its power. Funny how water can be feared and awed, a source of destruction and power. Did you know the power plants at Niagara Falls have the capacity to output 4.9 million kilowatts of electricity- the ability to power 3.8 million homes?! As a child, Nikola Tesla imagined harnessing the power of Niagara Falls. His dream came true when he designed the first ...

When my husband’s brother passed away, we spent the day at the hospital saying goodbye, mourning with family, crying all the tears we could shed, and trying to process our grief. He was gone. We went home to our devastated children with swollen eyes and heavy hearts. And an empty kitchen. I hadn’t done grocery shopping and it was now Saturday evening. Exhausted, I prepared to head to the store. Then a knock came at the door. Dinner. And another knock, some groceries, “just to get you by the next couple days.” I cried. Over the next few days, more kindness, more angels. Every little thought lifted us. Despite the pain, we were in a pocket of love. People mourned with us, comforted us, strengthened us. They shared our burden. Brought us hope. We all know the story of the army of Helaman. But what about the army of Antipus? When Helaman found them, “they were depressed in body as well as in spirit, for they had fought valiantly by day and toiled by night to maintain their cities; and thus...

Last week while camping, I was hugging my daughter and felt a little bump on her shoulder. You know what I found? A TICK! Ahh!! I had never seen one in my entire life! After some SLIGHT panicking and some quick Googling, we found some tweezers. I then proceeded to pull that thing out of my daughter’s skin. It took three tries, but I got it! Now we just have to wait and see if she develops any symptoms of Lyme disease in the next 30 days. So that’s great. I think of that tick and find it interesting my daughter didn’t even feel it. It was sucking her blood, FEEDING on her, and yet, she had NO idea. How lucky that I happened to feel it! Otherwise, it could have fed on her for up to 10 days! Reading about ticks just creeps me out. They’re incredibly resilient. And they do something called “questing,” where they basically lie in wait, clinging to leaves and grass with their back legs while stretching out their front legs, just waiting to grab onto a host! AND their saliva also has anti-inf...

We found some natural sandstone water slides during our camping trip this weekend. What an adrenaline rush! But, as they say, it’s all fun and games until someone dislocates a finger. My husband came out of the water and really freaked the kids out with his crooked, bloody finger. OH, AND ME. It was pretty grotesque. After an x-ray determined it was NOT broken (whew), the doctor took his finger and gave it a nice, big YANK. And boom, just like that, his crooked finger was made straight. What’s funny is his pain level was actually pretty tolerable BEFORE the yanking of the finger. BUT- it was inevitable... It had to be fixed. To realign the bone, to promote function, to bring healing, Great pain was required. We might think we are “okay.” The pain is manageable. Maybe we don’t even need a doctor? We can live with it. But if nothing is done, proper healing cannot take place. Sometimes fixing what is broken is an EXCRUCIATING process. But in the whole scheme of things, one excruciating mo...

Three years ago my husband’s brother lost his battle with cancer, leaving a huge hole in our hearts. Watching my husband mourn his best friend, his hero, was painful to witness. My husband is so much of who he is because of his amazing big brother. We will see him again. ❤️ We are taught about resurrection since we are in nursery! I have early memories of the good old glove analogy. It’s second nature to us. However, when Christ’s apostles found the empty tomb, “they were much perplexed.” (Luke 24) Christ had told them what would happen, but it was such a new, out-of-this-world idea, they did not understand. Even when Mary and other women told them he was risen, “their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not.” Peter went to the sepulcher and “wondered in himself” at what happened. And then when Christ himself showed up, “their eyes were holden that they should not know him.” They proceeded to hang out with him, abided with him, and still... didn’t know who he was...