Write at the Heart

As we watched a video about Christ on Christmas Eve, I glimpsed my oldest daughter discreetly brushing tears from her eyes. I was feeling the spirit, so I thought she was too. Aw! No. Turns out she’s pretty homesick. It’s been almost a year since we moved, and it’s our first Christmas ever away from extended family. She misses them. She misses her friends. She was not crying out of joy. She was crying cause she was sad. Oh, my heart. I told her it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to let your guard down & take your “happy face” off. It’s okay to struggle sometimes. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong, or not trying, or unrighteous. It CAN. But sometimes it just means you’re human. I thought about it again tonight when my other daughter had a breakdown while playing a game. She was trying SO hard to be a good sport, but kept losing again & again.  I told her games are about having fun! But she collapsed into an angry heap sobbing, “But this is NOT fun! Not fun AT ALL...

Mary- a young maiden, engaged, never known a man. Elisabeth- “well stricken in years,” (Luke 1:18), married, barren.  Different circumstances, ages, life experiences. Until an angel’s visit changes everything. The impossible is made possible as they both find themselves with child. Not just any children- but spirits prophesied to change the world! Spirits meant to come down only a few months apart. Spirits eternally connected in purpose, one preparing the way for the other. My heart is tender as I think of Mary & Elisabeth! I love that the angel tells Mary her cousin is also pregnant! I love that she went “with haste” (39) to visit Elisabeth! How comforted she must have felt knowing she wasn’t alone in this miraculous conception & divine calling! We don’t know how well they knew each other, how long it’d been since they’d seen each other, but we do know that upon Mary’s greeting, Elisabeth IMMEDIATELY recognizes who Mary’s carrying! “The babe leaped in her womb; and Elisabe...

I have some... insecurities... about letting people into my very imperfect, never-cute-enough, never-clean-enough home! (I blame it on 6 kids!) It’s not like we live in an episode of “Hoarders” or anything- we DO clean! But I always feel a bit vulnerable inviting people into our living space, & I get hyper aware of fingerprints, clutter, dinged up furniture... That said, I’ve come a long way & am trying hard to let go & let people in. Last night we invited friends over for the BYU game. Naturally, we cleaned the house. Well, the FIRST thing my friend asks is if she can use the microwave for the bean dip she was gonna make. WHAT. The microwave?! I died!! The kitchen was clean, but NOT inside the microwave! I KNEW it looked like a bomb went off in there!😳 When I realized there was no way for me to nonchalantly wipe it down without her noticing, I said with embarrassment, “Sure, you can use the microwave! But, um, it’s like REALLY messy!”  And she looked at me & said,...

When I was in high school, a few of us decided to get together after a Christmas choir performance. I followed a friend to a house I’d never been, we had fun, and it was late & foggy when it was time to go. I tried to remember the way I came, but was soon lost. I had no cell phone & no sense of direction. I panicked! Then prayed. Then through the haze I glimpsed the star on the mountain, the star that lit up in my hometown every December since I could remember. I knew that star was right above my house. It looked tiny, so far away, but it was enough. I followed that star home. I remember thinking at the time, “Just like the wise men.” “Lo, the star, which they saw in the east, went ​​before them, till it came and stood over where the young child was. When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy.” (Matt. 2:9-10) A few days beforehand, I was a different kind of lost, a different kind of far. I’d written in my high school journal: “What’s wrong with me?! Sometime...

Last night we bought tickets to a Christmas lights drive-thru. We drove the 40 min there, began our wait in the HUGE line to get in, and then while waiting, our tire popped.  FLAT TO THE RIM. Super! We were forced to drive on the rim while trapped in the ginormous line, which felt terrifying! Finally, we were able to pull off to the side to put the spare on while half the kids tried to help & half just bugged each other. It was an ORDEAL. In the rain, no less! My husband said out of all the tires he’s changed, that was THE hardest. But we did it! 2 hours later, wet & dirty, we were ready to see the Christmas lights we’d come to see!  Well, not 1 minute in, we felt a familiar wobbling, and SURE ENOUGH, the SPARE was completely flat to the rim! WHAT THE HECK! Ya kidding me! We were pretty deflated! (Just a little tire humor...) I wanted to cry! What now?! We’d tried so hard to fix it! All for what? While WE were unable to move forward, it seemed like a hundred cars passe...

Confession: The other day I threw my hands up in the air and exclaimed, “Man, I HATE giving!” Not my proudest moment. 😬 What I meant was, I’m not GOOD at giving. Ok, that doesn’t sound better. I stress out a LOT over gifts. Some people are so thoughtful with gifts and know exactly what to give, but when I try, my mind goes blank. Then I procrastinate until I absolutely HAVE to do SOMETHING, and end up giving lame-o gifts & feel bad. “God loveth a cheerful giver” (2 Cor. 9:7) Whoops. Why is giving so hard sometimes? When my 8-year-old was invited to a birthday party last week, I showed her the Trolls LEGO set I bought for her friend. Her face fell! She BEGGED me not to wrap it. She did NOT want to give that gift! Puzzled, I asked why not! She said it looked TOO babyish, then cried while telling me one time at a birthday party the receiver of her gift announced she didn’t like it in front of everyone. My daughter, embarrassed & ashamed, feared it would happen again. She feared r...

I love how Moroni is like- this is true, but don’t take MY word for it! Find out for yourself- with a SINCERE HEART, REAL INTENT, FAITH, & “by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things” (Mor. 10:5) It’s a BOLD promise. I’ve had the opportunity to hear some sacred experiences first-hand from loved ones concerning the other side of the veil; three with near-death experiences & one with her deceased father.  It’s interesting that in all of their accounts, they noted that communication was very different than the way we know it.  From one of them: “What he told me was spirit-to-spirit, a means of which I hadn’t been aware until I experienced it. With spirit-to-spirit there can be NO miscommunication.” SPIRIT TO SPIRIT. Doesn’t it makes sense that the Spirit speaks to us in a language we’d recognize from our premortal life?  Elder Christofferson said, “Faith will not come from the study of ancient texts as a purely academic pursuit. It will not co...

How to accidentally steal a cat: 1. Black cat shows up on your porch every day. 2. Kids can’t resist holding & petting him 3. Let him come in the house once 4. Maybe twice 5. Ok more 6. Eventually buy cat food cause he keeps eating mac & cheese off the floor. 7. Let him sleep over when he shows up wounded 8. And repeat 9. Congrats! You now have a cat that’s not really your cat! Ok, we are NOT catnappers, but 3 years ago we found ourselves in this situation. This cat kept showing up at our door! With terrible wounds! Did he have a deadly disease? In a cat gang? Abused? 😢 Was anyone else taking care of him? We didn’t know. Honestly, he was gross. He was pitiful. We didn’t know what to do. We weren’t pet people! But for months, we let him in.  One day when the cat looked particularly dismal, my husband taught the kids a tender lesson. He said anyone can be nice when it’s convenient. But being kind when you don’t HAVE to be, when no one EXPECTS you to be, when ANYONE would und...

I had a realization. These are kinda my “small plates."  Nephi had “big plates,” where he wrote the "more part of all [his] proceedings" (1 Ne. 19:2), the "more history part" (2 Ne. 4:14).  But the Lord commanded him to ALSO write on “small plates.”  Why? Well, for the “more plain and precious parts" (1 Ne. 9:3), where "more sacred things may be kept" (19:5), the “things of God,” things "good in the Lord's sight.” 2 Ne. 5:30, 32) I’ve got big plates- I’m a documenter at heart. I started journaling at age 8 & never stopped, then blogged & Instagrammed for years. But I felt whisperings... I needed small plates. So I began this account in July, keeping in mind Nephi’s same thoughts about his small plates:  “The things which are pleasing unto the world I do not write, but the things which are pleasing unto God and unto those who are not of the world." (1 Ne. 6:5) “I write the things of my soul" (2 Ne. 4:15) As I’ve focused ...

A few Decembers ago I was singing “Shingle Bells” and it did NOT make spirits bright. It all began with weird numbness on my leg.  A couple days later, tingling.  Then redness. Then bumps. Then blisters. THEN a full blown burning RASH accompanied by HORRIBLE nerve pain.  Only then did I go to the doctor, where he confirmed: I had SHINGLES.  I’m like, you mean what old people get? Yep, THAT shingles. 👍😂 He told me I SHOULD have started antiviral medication at the FIRST sign of symptoms, days ago. I asked if there was at least anything he could do for the pain. And this new doctor I’d never seen before looked at me like he couldn’t be bothered & asked, “Is it really that bad?” IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?! How about I stab your leg with NEEDLES and then torch it on FIRE? IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?  (I’m not bitter) Don’t worry, I politely responded. And spent the next few miserable days in the company of many cold, wet towels. I can imagine Moroni’s comfort when he re...

 I am SO grateful for the accounts of darkness in The Book of Mormon. I know, sounds bad. But reading the accounts of wickedness, rejection, contention, persecution, deceit, anti-Christs, secret combinations, & apostasy reassures me that IT HAS ALL HAPPENED BEFORE. Since the beginning of time. The rejection of scripture, prophets, sacred covenants, the gospel, & even Jesus Christ himself is NOT NEW.  It’s happened again & again. I’ve read about it all year long, this pattern of darkness & light.  The same pattern today.  So when I look around at the darkening shadows & mourn at the broken bonds of faith, I’m comforted. Our day was foreseen! This is the pattern.  It is a day of sifting. Of choosing. No more fence sitting. Elder Holland said, “We are witnessing an ever greater movement toward polarity. The middle-ground options will be removed from us as Latter-day Saints.”  It’s gonna be rough as the chasm deepens between believers and no...

A phrase caught my eye this week. “...relying alone upon the merits of Christ, who was the author and the finisher of their faith.” (Mor. 6:4).  The AUTHOR and the FINISHER of their faith. It’s like I’d never seen it before. What does it mean? The scripture reference in Hebrews hit me even more. “Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,  “Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross...” (Heb. 12:1-2) What an amazing visual- abandoning my burdens, running (with patience!) the race of life, all the while keeping my eyes on Christ, the author and finisher of my faith. Then the Greek meaning of “finisher,” found in the footnote, clarified everything: “One who completes, perfects.” He completes my faith. He perfects my faith! I’m always agonizing if I am enough! But He BEGAN this faith in me- He started it! I am NOT alo...

I sat in the back of the chapel for most of the 7 year + 10 month period when my husband couldn’t sit with me due to callings (but who’s counting?) I’d walk in late to sacrament meeting each week with my church bag, diaper bag, baby carrier, toddler on my hip, other kids behind me (who may or may not have their hair combed), spit up on my dress, and fake smile on my face hiding the fact that I yelled at the kids on the way there.  I mean, where was home church THEN? 😉 Luckily I had my people in the back. Back People= My People! Back people are the latecomers who missed out on the cushy seats. But I liked the back cause it meant less people observing my ninja-like moves as I tried to control the kids. The back allowed for more comfort in my chaos!  What happens in the back stays in the back! (mostly!) Back people watch out for each other & catch escaping children! Back people are just glad to be there AT ALL. We’re like, HEY, we are HERE. WE MADE IT.  And it’s okay, b...

My husband and I joke that the end of The Book of Mormon is like the ending in the last “Lord of the Rings” movie. Every time you THINK it’s over, it just keeps going. 😆 Moroni SEEMS like he’s wrapping things up a couple times, like, farewell all! Then he just keeps writing! “I write a few more things, that perhaps they may be of worth... in some future day” (Mor. 1:4) I LOVE that he’s prompted to write more, ESPECIALLY because he’s already lamented to us over his perceived weakness in writing! I mean, he TRULY must have been so humbly hopeful that “perhaps” his “weak” writings would be of worth someday. And so, a letter to Moroni: Dear Moroni,  YES. Your writings are of worth! GREAT WORTH. You write some of my favorite verses in the whole book! I am NOT just saying that. Not long ago, my family visited the Hill Cumorah. We were the only ones there. The kids ran up & down the hill while I spontaneously sat & read your book. YOUR writings. And I had a totally unexpected ...

When Ether warned Coriantumr & his people to repent and prophesied very specific things that would happen if he didn’t, I can only imagine what Coriantumr thought. Things are fine! I’m the king! I’m skilled in the art of war & cunning in the ways of the world! (Eth. 13:16) Why would I need God? In fact, I’m gonna try to kill you for even suggesting it! (22) And then he battled Shared,  then battled Gilead,  then lost the throne,  then battled Lib,  then battled Shiz aka Worst Guy Ever, obtained awful wounds, nearly died,  and witnessed the deaths of his people, 2 million men, women, and children. It was then he realized that everything Ether prophesied YEARS earlier was coming to pass. And ONLY then, in the middle of this absolute nightmare, Coriantumr “began to remember the words which Ether had spoken unto him.” (15:1)  ONLY then, after SO much blood & carnage, he “began to sorrow in his heart” (2) & “began to repent of the evil which he h...

Total darkness. My kids had never felt such suffocating, utter darkness before. It was the first thing they talked about when we got out of the cave... We visited some caverns a couple days ago. It was amazing; stalactites, stalagmites, crystals, columns! During the tour, our guide asked us if we wanted to know what it was like in there without light. And with a single switch, he cast us into blackness. “Whoa!” I heard my kids exclaim.  It is such a strange feeling waiting for eyes to adjust that will never adjust. I’m not claustrophobic, but after a few seconds even I felt my heart rate go up. He told us to wave our hands in front of our faces. Nothing! It’s an eerie, helpless feeling. He turned the lights back on, and I could breathe again. A teenage farmhand actually discovered those caverns back in the late 1800s. The landowner saw 💰 and immediately opened it for business!  In those early days, the tourists weren’t allowed to bring their own light. Instead, they had to bo...

A few years ago we talked to the kids about weaknesses. I asked them, "What is a weakness?"  My little girl answered, "Like, if you're not good at gluing?” 😂 I immediately envisioned someone throwing their glue stick across the room wailing, "I JUST CAN'T DO IT! WHY CAN'T I BE A GOOD GLUER LIKE SUSIE?” If only my weakness was as simple as not being a good gluer! Awhile ago, I was NOT doing well. I found myself face to face with a whole list of my inadequacies. Like they all decided to surface at the SAME TIME. I was caught in this weird place where I was simultaneously growing and becoming a better person in some areas, but failing miserably in others. The gap felt colossal. And despite those positive strides in the direction I wanted to go- those dang weaknesses almost debilitated me. One night while listening to me sob, my husband tenderly & earnestly told me STRUGGLE IS GOOD. IT’S OK TO STRUGGLE. I let that sink in. And felt relief. It is OK to r...

Anyone else’s head spinning after reading 28 generations of history crammed into Ether 7-11? There’s rebellion, murder, war, famine, poisonous serpents, secret combinations (that dang daughter of Jared!) whoredoms, dysfunctional families (makes your family look pretty good, eh?), captivity & more captivity (brother of Jared called it!) There’s also peace, prosperity, humility, repentance, mercy, courageous rescues (sons of Shule🙌🏼), hard work & industry, rejoicing, righteousness. Plus a whole lot of childbearing in really old age (tell me you didn’t notice this). 😆 I mean, it’d make a great mini-series. There’s SO much info that Moroni has to pick just a FEW things to say about each major character. Some only get one line!  Things like “he did not reign in righteousness” or “he did that which was good in the sight of the Lord.” It got me thinking- when all is said and done, if my whole life had to be summarized, what would be MY one line? How would I go down in the chapt...

Every time I log onto Family Search, there is a thirst that comes over me. A thirst for more. I want to know everything about everyone. The Spirit envelopes me. I cry when I look at pictures, I am moved when I read documents, interviews, life sketches. I’m in awe thinking of their handcarts across the plains, footprints of blood in the snow, starvation. I think of others during the horrors of war, seeing their homes bombed, coming by boat to this country. I see their faith! How did they keep it? I have it because of them! I am grateful for where I come from. When the brother of Jared’s son, Orihah, became king (cause no one else would!), it says the people began to get rich. (Eth. 6:28)  OH NO! Pride cycle!  But “Orihah did walk humbly before the Lord, and did remember how great things the Lord had done for his father, and also taught his people how great things the Lord had done for their fathers.” (30) What a pleasant surprise! He didn’t let the blessings of his fathers fade...

I’m grateful for tender mercies!  When the Jaredites FINALLY make it to shore, they “bowed themselves down upon the face of the land, and did humble themselves before the Lord, and did shed tears of joy before the Lord, because of the multitude of his tender mercies over them.” (Eth. 6:12)  Elder Bednar described tender mercies as those “very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ.” Tender mercies have the power to change everything.  My husband served as a bishop for almost 6 years. I cherish that time! There were ups & downs, but so many more ups! However, that first year was particularly rough. I had my last baby, which meant I had 6 kids age 8 & under (Crazytown😆) plus some other struggles that came with being a bishop’s wife. At the end of that first year, an invitation came from the n...

I’m SURE the Jaredites did not sing EVERY day of their 344-day journey while tossed around at sea, stuck in barges, eating who knows what, separated from friends, with minimal personal space, no nature, nowhere to escape, no end in sight, no Google Maps telling them their estimated arrival time, not to mention a questionable plumbing situation...  And I’m SURE not ALL of them sang, I mean, there’s gotta be that guy in the corner wondering how he got trapped in the von Trapp family...  Or maybe they did?! “And they did sing praises to the Lord; yes, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord” (Eth. 6:9) They sang through the wind. They sang DURING THE TRIAL. Who does that? The Jaredites. And my mom.  A few years ago she helped me train for my first marathon. I woke up the morning of our scheduled 18-mile run to an actual blizzard. But I knew my mo...

Late one winter night, my husband & I were driving home from Salt Lake with two of our kids & sister-in-law. We hit some ice & spun out of control until we landed on the steep muddy bank of a huge ditch. We were shook up, but we were fine! While we called a tow truck, we saw a car hit the cement median, another hit the exit sign, and another clip the car of a guy who’d stopped to check on us. It was wild, like pinball on ice! Thankfully, everyone was okay!  Us girls then walked up the exit to a safe spot while my husband waited in the car for the tow truck. While in the car, he said a prayer of thanks, then felt prompted to put his seatbelt on again. A second later, a truck sliding at freeway speed crashed into him head-on. Remarkably, he was fine (a few days of sore ribs) & so was the truck driver. In fact, hitting our car stopped his from tumbling into the water-filled ditch. A MINUTE later the tow truck arrived... just in time to take our now totaled car to the j...

When my daughter was 4, she exclaimed one day, "I can't believe Jesus MADE me!!” It was so random, I laughed & said, “I know!"  To which she responded thoughtfully, "He's a sweet guy." 😂 I had a horrible relationship with my body as a teenager. I struggled with disordered eating and my self esteem was trapped on a rollercoaster with ups & downs depending on what I THOUGHT I saw in the mirror each day.  Thankfully that is WAY behind me. I don’t even know that girl anymore! Much of the healing came from recognizing JUST what my daughter exclaimed: He Made Me. Receiving this body was part of my eternal plan. I fought for it. I shouted for joy for it. It is the vessel that carries my spirit. It is the instrument of God, helping fulfill His purpose. It is not something to be despised. It is a gift! I am so grateful for what it can do! “Our entire perspective of ourselves, our worth, and what we can make of our lives is altered for good when we come to un...

It occurred to me...  Maybe WE are the stones. Regular old rocks. BUT- we wanted more. So we made a choice, long ago.  We fought for this choice! I think we gave ourselves pep talks... it’s gonna be hard, but we can do it!  We are ready! We won’t be alone! “And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea” (Ether 2:25) We came prepared! Prepared to be molten rock. To be refined, shaped, & polished... into glass. But that’s not all! It’s dark down here. We came prepared to be touched by the finger of God. We came prepared to be LIGHT. Can we TRULY be changed? We are regular rocks! Can He do it? “I know, O Lord, that thou hast all power, and can do whatsoever thou wilt for the benefit of man; therefore, touch these stones, O Lord, with thy finger, and prepare them that they may shine forth in darkness... that we may have light while we shall cross the sea” (3:4) He has the power to change...

The first time I remember reading that the brother of Jared was chastened by the Lord- for THREE hours- I was like, wait, wait, back up the trolley, what?! The brother of Jared? The guy known for the stones of light, the guy who saw the finger of God, and ultimately, God? The guy to whom the Lord said, “Never has man come before me with such exceeding faith as thou hast” (Ether 3:9)? The man who “could not be kept from within the veil” (3:20)?  My mind was blown. You mean, like, the brother of Jared wasn’t PERFECT? He “remembered not to call upon the name of the Lord” (2:14), he forgot to... pray? It was like I’d never read that part of scripture before. For 4 years the journey halted at the seashore. For 4 years their progression ceased. For 4 years they didn’t think to call upon God. I have so many questions about those years. What were they doing?? All we know is it at the end of those 4 years, the Lord came down to chasten the brother of Jared.  And he immediately repented...

Uprooting our family and moving cross country for no other reason other than we felt prompted to was not easy, and I couldn’t help but compare our experience to the Jaredites’ move. While we didn't have to gather a bunch of flocks (Ether 2:1), we did gather all our things, And while we didn't have to "lay snares and catch fowls of the air" (2:2), we did pack food, And while we didn't have to build barges, we did prepare our vessels (2)— two vehicles stuffed to the brim! Oh, we prayed they’d make it! And while we didn't carry fish or bees with us (2:2-3), we did carry our cat, And while we didn't travel in the "wilderness,” (2:5) we did travel many miles of freeway in winter conditions, And while we didn't pitch any tents (2:13), we did stay in hotels, And okay, while our journey really was NOTHING like the Jaredites’ journey, We DID "cry unto him whither we shall go" (1:38) just as they did. The Lord DID hear us, just as he heard the bro...

Fall kinda stresses me out. As soon as I see those first colors make their grand appearance, I’m half happy gushing over the season and half heartbroken thinking of its end. Alas, it always does, despite my pleadings! Goodbye Fall, goodbye. But... of course I know it’s not the end. The leaves will be back. They will! You know what else comes back? Hair. Today I tried to trim side bangs & in an unfortunate series of events, I accidentally cut WAY TOO MUCH.  So now I resemble my 4th grade self.  It’s fine. 🤦‍♀️ But guess what- hair grows back! It is not the end! “Has the end come yet? Behold I say unto you, Nay; and God had not ceased to be a God of miracles.” (Mormon 9:15) Those words stood out to me this week! Whatever happens in life, we can be assured it is NOT the end. Things may look bleak for awhile. But this is the 2nd act in a 3-act play. There is always hope! Rob Gardner’s album “The Lamb of God” is so touching, and I recently listened to “Here is Hope,” meant to ...

When my daughter was 4, she went through a phase where she hugged random people everywhere we went. It was cute and scary at the same time. 😆 One day we were at the store and there was an old man holding a nutcracker. Delighted, she ran up to him and exclaimed, "That's a nutcracker!" He said, yes it is, and then she THREW her arms around him. I cringed a bit! He looked surprised and then smiled. Then he said, "I haven't had someone hug me in a long time!"  ❤️ As we left, my daughter shouted after him, "You're the best!" (And then we had a talk about boundaries & strangers, ha!) It's funny how young kids have no preconceived notions. Too often I avoid eye contact with others, and yet kids don’t think twice about it. They unabashedly stare! They’re curious & sincere, (& in some cases very open about their affection!) They notice others! I felt a prick in my heart as I read what Moroni saw about our day. He saw us "walk in th...

A couple years ago I witnessed the sweetest elderly couple be sealed to their deceased parents, he to his parents, and she to hers. I’ll never forget it! As I sat there, the thought occurred to me: nobody could ever pay me any amount of money to say that nothing was happening in that room. I couldn’t do it. Something happened in there, something incredible. Something that reached beyond this earthly experience & sent me reeling at the power of it all, reminding me that temples are SO much more than beautiful buildings. We read in Mormon 8:14, “The plates thereof are of no worth... but the record thereof is of great worth” Joseph Smith’s life was in danger many times as his enemies tried to steal the plates. What they saw was RICHES. Gold! Definitely worth something! But if only they knew!! If only they knew the gold was nothing compared to what was written on it! If only they knew “the truths of the Book of Mormon have the power to heal, comfort, restore, succor, strengthen, consol...

I used to be kind of disappointed as I grew up that I never really had one, true passion. I didn't have my THING. I got to college and took a variety of classes to try to get a feel for ME- what did I want to DO? I didn’t know! I felt too darn well-rounded. I wanted a Passion, something that was just ME, something I could get EXCITED about! Now, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. That was a given. I always wanted to get a degree, too, and I'm glad I did. But it was never a career I wanted. I unapologetically wanted to be a mom. And it was only after I got to be one that I realized: This is it. This is totally it. My passion! When I held my first baby after an extremely hard birth, I worried my utter exhaustion would prevent me from feeling anything. But everything else faded away except her, and I’d never felt ANYTHING like it. I joke that the heavens opened and I heard the "Hallelujah" chorus. But seriously! In that moment, something remarkable happened. My life sud...

I need to add something to my last post about how Mormon could go on despite everything. PURPOSE. He knew his purpose: Help others come to Christ. On the outside looking in, boy, does it look like he failed! On the contrary! While he could not help his own people, He has helped millions of us. The Book of Mormon has helped millions of us! As I read Mormon and Moroni's words,  I FEEL GOOSEBUMPS! "Therefore I write unto you, Gentiles...   that ye may believe the gospel of Jesus Christ, which ye shall have among you; (Morm 3:17, 21) And Moroni's-"Behold, I speak unto you as if ye were present, and yet ye are not. But behold, Jesus Christ hath shown you unto me, and I know your doing." (8:35) They write to ME. They speak to US. They warn US. They bear testimony to US. Their last days of loneliness & sorrow were spent writing &  abridging records for US. They buried them, unburied them, and buried them again FOR US. "...having been commanded of the Lord t...

HOW did Mormon continue on? His “heart did begin to rejoice within” for them” (Mormon 2:12) only to have “sorrow...return unto me again.” (2:15)  He saw “willful” (1:16) and “open rebellion.” (2:25)  He saw “blood and carnage spread throughout... the land.” (2:8) He saw them “curse God,” “boast in their own strength,” and “swear before the heavens.” (3:9-10)  He saw “they delighted in the shedding of blood continually” (4:11) He saw them “struggle for their lives without calling upon that Being who created them.” (5:2) He “was without hope” for them. (5:2) Oh, my heart just aches for Mormon! What more could he do for them? To know “they were once a delightsome people, and they had Christ for their shepherd” (5:17) no wonder his soul was “rent with anguish,” crying, “O ye fair ones, how could ye have rejected that Jesus, who stood with open arms to receive you!” (6:16-17) How could he continue on? How could he move forward amidst so much sorrow? How do WE do this, too? If ...

Years ago my son flushed some toys down the toilet. We called the best repairman we knew! My dad. He snaked it, plunged it, put it in the tub to flush water through it, and a ball came out! He reinstalled the toilet. But to our chagrin, it STILL wouldn’t flush! What. He removed the toilet AGAIN, repeated everything he’d just done, and even stuck a wire hanger all the way through it! Nothin’! Well, we got a new toilet. 🤷‍♀️ THEN we brought the old toilet outside and with GREAT anticipation smashed it with a hammer! And wouldn’t you know, in the S-curve was a small, seemingly insignificant plastic orange! That little clogged orange had completely destroyed the functionality of the toilet! I realize comparing the flow of a toilet to the spirit in our lives is a little weird, but they’re both pretty important, and yes, I’m going there! In Mormon 1 we read about such evil and blasphemy that the disciples were taken away, miracles and healing ceased, all spiritual gifts were gone, and “the ...