Write at the Heart

12 Days of Christ: Day 10 While pregnant, Mary testified of Christ: “He hath filled the hungry with good things” (Luke 1:53) We took the family out to eat last night for a birthday (ahem, mine!) & we ordered chips & salsa as an appetizer because it’s one of my most favorite things! Well, our food took awhile, but no worries, cause our waitress was really on top of that chips & salsa. She just kept it coming! Good thing, cause we were starving! After like our 4th basket (hey, we are a family of 8) another waiter saw our chips getting low, so he took it upon himself to bring us 2 more baskets. Score!  A minute later, our waitress brought 2 MORE baskets & was surprised to see we already had some, but she just put hers on the table too, so yes, there were 4 full baskets of chips & salsa on our table, along with some half eaten baskets. Livin’ the life! One of the kids asked, “WHY do they keep bringing us so much chips & salsa??” Maybe cause we kept eating them l...

12 Days of Christ: Day 9 Sooo, who said these had to be before Christmas, anyway? Or New Year’s? Must… finish… what I started… 😉😅 “But Mary kept all these things, & pondered them in her heart.” (Luke 2:19) We don’t know many details about what Mary went through, but we do know she took time to ponder. She had just birthed the Son of God. I’m sure there was a lot to think about! I remember right after having my first baby being in absolute awe & SO incredibly happy. I was a mom! But… I also felt like I’d been run over by a TRAIN. OVER & OVER. It was like 3 in the morning. The nurse showed me a couple things & said, “ok, you got that?” I said, I think??!! And then she LEFT me & my husband alone with that tiny fragile human! I was like, WAIT WAIT BACK UP THE TROLLEY, I have no idea what I’m doing & you’re LEAVING ME?! It got real REAL FAST. I was responsible for that beautiful life. Could I do it? Would I be good enough? Who was this little person? Who would she ...

  12 Days of Christ: Day 8 “On earth peace, good will toward men.” (Luke 2:14) On Christmas Eve we read the nativity story to the kids. They were comfy in their new PJs & full of excitement & Christmas sweets. Just before they headed off to bed, I had the idea to sing a song together: Silent Night. I sat at the piano & the family gathered round. As their voices rang out I thought- ok! This could be a new tradition! It was so special. Until. One kid accidentally did something to offend another kid right in the middle of the song. OF COURSE. Glares were exchanged, snide remarks made, & by the time the song was over they were both steaming mad at each other. Which made ME mad, & I let them know it! Way to ruin a special moment, children! Sigh. Well, my good husband, more patient & mature than me, talked gently to those two kiddos. Pride disappeared, apologies were made, & hugs were had. Then he suggested they sing Silent Night again- just the two of them. T...

12 Days of Christ: Day 7 (Better late than never, eh!) “And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, & saying, Glory to God in the highest” (Luke 2:13-14) We were getting ready to watch the first session of General Conference back in October when the little neighbor kid came to ask my 8-year-old son to play. My son begged to have him over to watch conference with us. I was hesitant. Moving here from Utah has definitely been different, as we are the religious minority now! What would his parents think? I told him he could stay, but there would be people from our church on the TV talking about Jesus & stuff, & it might get boring, & he could leave whenever he wanted. He was so excited to stay! They quietly played with magnets & cars, & once in awhile would stop & watch the screen. They were both so reverent! Suddenly his friend said, “I’ll be back!” I thought- ok he’s done, haha. To my surprise, he came right back- with ...

 12 Days of Christ: Day 6 “And she brought forth her firstborn son, & wrapped him in swaddling clothes, & laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.” (Luke 2:7) The inn was full. Did Joseph & Mary look at each other & think- well… this is not ideal! What now? When they approached the lowly stable, did they think- really? how can we bring forth the Son of God here, of all places? This was not part of the plan. Why didn’t we make a reservation at the inn a week ago!? (JK) I don’t know what they really thought, but I’m sure they felt God with them & worked with Him to make sure His Son made it here safely. They knew whatever happened, it would be ok.  And it was. O, holy night. I’m curious what Mary & Joseph think of the way we tell their story? The details we’ve filled in for them? The many different nativity sets we display? When they laid baby Jesus in the manger could they have known people all over the world would have makesh...

12 Days of Christ: Day 5 “And [Elisabeth] spake out with a loud voice, & said, Blessed art thou among women, & blessed is the fruit of thy womb.” (Luke 2:42) Mary- a young maiden, engaged, never known a man. Elisabeth- “well stricken in years,” (1:18), married, barren.  Different circumstances, ages, life experiences. Until an angel’s visit changes everything. The impossible is made possible as they both find themselves with child. Not just any children- but spirits prophesied to change the world! Spirits meant to come down only a few months apart. Spirits eternally connected in purpose, one preparing the way for the other. My heart is tender as I think of Mary & Elisabeth! I love that the angel tells Mary her cousin is also pregnant! I love that she went “with haste” (39) to visit her! How comforted she must have felt knowing she wasn’t alone in this miraculous conception & divine calling! We don’t know how well they knew each other, how long it’d been since they’d...

  12 Days of Christ: Day 4 “Where is he that is born King of the Jews? for we have seen his star in the east, & are come to worship him” (Matt. 2:2) She got in my car. I was giving her a ride to church. We were strangers. She told me she has spent most of her life not trusting people- mostly men- due to much childhood trauma.  She also told me she has spent most of her life not trusting religion- due to terrible past experiences. She had thought, if there was a God, why did all these bad things happen? So it was a surprise to her that when the missionaries knocked on her door, she immediately felt she could trust them. It didn’t make sense. She thought she’d try out church. Then she thought she’d try out more lessons. I was able to sit in on a few, & I saw something incredible. That negative, skeptical woman who doubted God, religion, her very worth… she changed before my eyes. I watched her mind blown by the plan of salvation. Her realization that God knew her & l...

12 Days of Christ: Day 3 “For unto us a ​​​child​ is ​​​born​, unto us a ​​​son​ is given” (Isaiah 9:12) The baby Jesus, the center of our nativity story. The Son of God willingly came down as a tiny baby. Think about that! A helpless tiny baby in need of food & clothing, love & care, soothing, swaddling! Learned to crawl & walk. Subject to harm. Did He cry? Did Mary kiss his owies better? Did He have a favorite lullaby? Oh how I’d love to see that Baby Jesus! Feel His little fingers wrap around mine. Cradle Him & sway. How surreal would that be? Savior of the world. Didn’t skip right to His ministry, didn’t fast-forward to get things over with- no. He started as an infant in the most modest of circumstances. Couldn’t the all mighty God have chosen another way? Couldn’t He have “whooshed” His powerful hand & saved mankind? He didn't have to watch His Son go through mortal trials & sufferings of the most harrowing kind. But He did. He sent us someone who woul...

12 Days of Christ: Day 2 “And they came with haste, & found Mary, & Joseph, & the babe lying in a manger.” (Luke 2:16) I had a realization a couple weeks ago. An embarrassingly obvious one. I WAS DOING IT ALL BACKWARDS. Somehow I’d let the little things get in the way of the big, important things. AGAIN.  Enough! So I made a commitment to myself: the very first thing I would do every day is get my spiritual well-being back on track. Prayer, scripture study, journaling. Invite the Spirit in FIRST THING. Stop getting anxious about the rest of the “to-do” list. Work on the “to-be” list! I was “doing” many things without “becoming” much of anything. Upon hearing the good news, the shepherds HASTENED to see Jesus Christ. I’d love to see what their “haste” looked like! “Bob, will you watch the sheep for me? I gotta go!” Did they run? 😊 No wasting time, no distractions. Their to-do list put aside, their priorities realigned. Their focus on something else now. A child. They ca...

12 Days of Christ: Day 1 “Fear not.” The message of comfort littered throughout the scriptures.  Throughout the Christmas story. To Mary. To Joseph. To the shepherds. Fear Not. Awhile ago my child was dangling off a metaphorical cliff.  It was terrifying. How did I let this happen? How could I save my child? It was uncharted territory. I had no idea where to turn. I spoke many desperate prayers. I found myself led to someone who could help. Really & truly help. The circumstances leading me to that point, to this specific person, was more than coincidental.  A literal God-send. More than once I have looked at them & thought to myself: “You are an answer to our prayers.” Months later & my child is finally on solid ground. We are working daily to step farther & farther away from the edge of that cliff. It is still too close for comfort. But that cold & sickening fear is being replaced with faith. Hope. Healing. I have seen miracles. My child, who was slow...

Anyone else ever accidentally throw your child’s big homework packet away cause you’re bombarded with school papers on the daily & sometimes it’s HARD TO TELL what should be kept or not? And then your child asks about it & you have to tell them you mistakenly CHUCKED IT IN THE TRASH? And your child panics & tells you he worked hard on that packet & it’s DUE TOMORROW? So you fish through two garbage bags until you come out TRIUMPHANT with the aforementioned homework packet? And then you see it’s got leftover dinner on a few pages so you gently take it apart, wash it off, & lay it out to dry? And then your child takes that crusty, wrinkled, & worn homework to school & turns it in? Or is that just me? 🤪 But you know what?  His homework, though thrown out, dirty, worn, crinkled… slightly smelling of lasagna… (could be worse ya know) Got 100%. It was still worth 100%. It still counted. The condition didn’t matter. The content did. The appearance didn’t matte...

  One of the hardest songs I’ve ever learned on the piano is Fantaisie Impromptu by Chopin. What makes this piece difficult is 1) the speed 2) the four sharps, & most of all 3) the cross-rhythms! The left hand plays an entirely different timing (triplets) than the right hand (16th notes). If you tried to match them up mathematically, you can’t. You have to almost subconsciously play one hand while consciously playing the other. Should be utter chaos. And yet, it’s so beautiful.  Somehow it works & the accented melody shines through. Rhythmic tension.  Story of my life. The last few weeks have held some of the hardest & scariest moments of my mothering life. One day I hope to share my experience from the other side. But there is quite a ways to go & it will get worse before it gets better. Until then, it’s a fight. Until then, I pray we can get through this. It’s interesting that our scripture reading has been Isaiah- which has some of the most confusing, y...

 Sooo… How’s your memory? One of my kids informed me tonight that they had to interview someone who has “memories & experiences” from 9/11. Due tomorrow. #ofcourse I began telling her the story I’d been telling for years. “Well, I had JUST started college. I woke up alone in my apartment cause I had a later class & all my roommates were gone. The TV had been left on a news station. As I ate cereal I tried to change the station, but they were all showing the same thing…” Then I said: “Actually, let me go get my journal!” And as I read what I wrote in my journal on 9/11, I was shocked to find my memory DID NOT MATCH what I had written! I did NOT wake up alone in my apartment. Wait, what?! My roommate was there. Like, the good friend I shared MY room with! The TV wasn’t left on. SHE was watching it! She & I watched the news together. Wondered what the heck was going on together. Hearts dropping together. 💔 Um. HOW did I forget she was with me?? THE WHOLE TIME? I had writt...

“Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto my soul. “I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me. “I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God.” (Psalms 69:1-3) WHO has not felt this?! Help me! I’m in trouble! I’m sick of crying! God, where are you? And then the next part-  “O God, thou knowest my foolishness; & my sins are not hid from thee.” (5) You KNOW I’m weak. You see me as I am. How did I get into this mess! But please- “Deliver me out of the mire, & let me not sink: let me be delivered… out of the deep waters” (14) LET ME NOT SINK. You don’t have to take away the mud. Just let. me. not. sink. The other day my 12-year-old daughter was sinking. My husband & I were gone. She lay crying in our bed. My 13-year-old son had seen she was in distress. He went to find her. He heard her cries. Hugged her. Comforted her. Told her he was there for her, no matter what. ...

  In an effort to keep me motivated, I set a goal to cross 12 finish lines this year. I’m up to 8 races 😅 🙌 Some have gone better than others, but in every case I finish giving it all I’ve got, sweaty, exhausted, depleted, looking for water & the special finish line snacks (& MAYBE a porta-potty 😆) The BEST was after a super hard, super hot half marathon- they were handing out Wendy’s chocolate frosties at the finish 🥳  I THINK I HEARD THE HALLELUJAH CHORUS. NOTHING tasted better in that moment! And just like that, I felt rejuvenated & restored. LIFE WAS GREAT AGAIN. “Come & hear, all ye that fear God, & I will declare what he hath done for my soul.” (Psalms 66:16) What hath He done for my soul? So much more than a frosty! But do I declare it? I need to do better. Truly, in those times of struggle, exhaustion, numbness, helplessness, unworthiness… “He restoreth my soul” (Psalms 23:3) He’s there handing out bananas, granola bars, energy gels along the wa...

Today my heart pounded that familiar drumbeat of nerves mixed with the good old spirit of God, but I did not stand. I did not speak. I did not bear testimony. Though I’ve struggled to keep up with the Old Testament reading, (caught up today though! 🙌) I’ve had many thoughts & feelings & highlighted phrases, intending to write about them. But I did not share. I did not write. What holds me back? Lack of confidence? Wondering if what I have to say is good enough? If it’ll even make sense? Yeah, I tend to overthink it. Yet when asked in our church lesson last week: HOW do we prepare our youth to share the gospel? What came to my mind was - help them be articulate! Help them express their feelings about the gospel, practice writing them down, practice opening their mouth. The funny thing is, I didn’t open my mouth. I sat there with my thoughts about how we should teach our youth to share their thoughts.🤦‍♀️😆 And I didn’t share my testimony today, though the prompting was there. ...

Today one of my kids needed to share a scripture in primary, so last night we reviewed the story of Elisha, the threat of the Syrian army, & the unseen heavenly army. Later that night as I got into bed ready to relax, another kid flopped next to me. I could tell she wanted to talk, which turned into an emotional conversation about a particular struggle. 💔 But then she hugged me, looked me in the eyes, & said with hopeful confidence, “I’m gonna get through this.” And the second she said that, the scripture I’d helped my other daughter practice for primary came to my mind with full force: “Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them.” (2 Kings 6:16) Tears sprang to my eyes at her sweet faith in that moment! “I’m gonna get through this”😭 When we see the obstacles before us & cry to the Lord, “Alas, my master! how shall [I] do?” (15) how often are we unaware of the mountains full of “horses & chariots of fire round about [us]”? (17) And God is ...

This last week I found a newborn mouse in our garage. Courtesy of the cat I’m sure. To my surprise, it wasn’t dead. Its eyes hadn’t yet opened, but its hairless body still breathed in & out on the concrete floor. Since she was a little girl, my 16-year-old has brought all sorts of critters & bugs into the house to care for them. This was no exception. She gently laid it in a soft, warm place. She carefully fed it every couple hours- milk from a paintbrush. She listened to it squeak & watched it sleep. Then, after 36 hours, it died in her hands. And she cried. She took it outside to bury it. I watched her tears from the window, my heart tender for my sweet girl weeping over the tiny life of a rodent. I saw God in it. We recently visited Utah & went to the Church History Museum where artwork for the 12th International Art Competition is on display. The theme is “All Are Alike Unto God,” & I was touched by many pieces. One drawing caught my eye called “Gathering Under ...

My scripture study has been less than stellar lately & I don’t have any recent deep personal insights, to be honest. The month of May is crazy. Life is a roller coaster. So many good desires. Failing at most. Can’t seem to get it together. Last week halfway through our stake conference meeting, I realized I was not getting much out of it. I was drowsy. Disengaged. Disappointed. I prayed right then. “Please help me get something out of this. I know I should have been more prepared. Maybe it’s not too late?” I didn’t expect much. But to my surprise, there it was. Not a moment later. I felt it. WHAT CHANGED? Not the speaker. Not the subject. Not the setting. It was actually there all along. I just opened the way to receive it. And when we sang the hymn: “Where Can I Turn For Peace?” the 3rd verse hit me: “He answers privately, Reaches my reaching In my Gethsemane, Savior & Friend. Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching. Constant he is & kind Love without end.” REACHES MY ...

She didn’t want to do track & field. But she needed a gym credit. She was SO nervous & WAY out of her comfort zone. Week after week, running & more running. She started to believe in herself. The meets were even going ok! I loved watching her be brave. Then her coach put her in the 2-miler for the home meet. She cried. SHE WAS SCARED. She hadn’t trained for that distance! She knew she was going to be WAY last & completely embarrass herself! I knew she could do it. I prayed for her to know, too. In her words (that she shared in church today): “On the day of the meet, I was terrified & did not think I could finish the 8 laps. I prayed a lot & when it was my event, I felt a calm. I started running & I felt good. I knew the spirit was with me. I could feel it as I ran.  My Heavenly Father definitely helped me cross the finish line. As I crossed the finish line, I felt exhausted, & one of my teammates was there waiting for me & wrapped me in the bigge...