Write at the Heart

 “Have ye any that are sick among you? Bring them hither... I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you. ...He did heal them, every one.” 3 Ne. 17:7-9 So beautiful! But what about those who weren’t there? What about those who are not healed? Three years ago today we lost my husband’s best friend, his brother, to cancer. It was heart wrenching.  The day after his death we watched conference and there was a talk by Elder Hallstrom called "Has the Day of Miracles Ceased?" And I bawled. He shared the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego from the Bible.  That phrase, "But if not," is compelling, poignant, powerful. Because- What about our prayers, what about our fasting, what about the priesthood blessings, what about our faith, his faith? He had the faith to be healed. We all knew it! We prayed for it! Through the ups and downs of treatments, we believed. This is why the question, "Do you have faith NOT to be healed?" is so thought-provoking...

He tarried longer. He had important things to do- see the Father, visit the lost tribes of Israel... and He had already given so much. But he saw their tears, and sensed their longing for Him to stay. So He did. He was filled with compassion. He healed the sick and afflicted, every one. He blessed each child. And He knelt upon the ground with them and prayed for them. “And no tongue can speak, neither can there be written by any man, neither can the hearts of men conceive so great and marvelous things as we both saw and heard Jesus speak; and no one can conceive of the joy which filled our souls at the time we heard him pray for us unto the Father." (3 Ne. 17:15-17) They heard Him pray FOR THEM.  I can’t imagine. It could not even be written! So great was their joy, "they were overcome." (18) Last night I was so frustrated with my 10-year-old. She was angry and moody. Girl’s got some pre-teen hormones raging and right before bedtime is when her worries & emotions all...

 I was pregnant with baby no.5 checking out at Walmart when the middle-aged cashier asks, "Are all these kids yours?” Oh, HERE we go.  I say brightly, "Yes, they are!"  She says, "Oh, wow. And you are going to have another one."  “Yeah!" I answer.  She studies my kids, my belly, (always fun), asks more questions, then exclaims sympathetically, "Wow, you POOR lady!” I really didn't know what to say to that, but I just laughed a bit and left. I kept thinking about her statement, "You poor lady" and it bothered me all day. It made me think: Why should having a bunch of kids make people feel sorry for me? I TOTALLY get that she was most likely coming from a well-intentioned place and I get that people see my situation as busy, tiring, and hard, and while it can be ALL those things, I just don't think people should feel sorry for me at all! I chose this! Between the laundry & dishes, the whining & fighting, the laughing & snug...

 When Capture the Flag Makes You Cry:  Last night I sat on our front steps and watched the kids play Capture the Flag with the neighborhood and I felt myself get emotional. What is the deal!  The deal is moving here was not planned. MOVING was, yes. For a couple years my husband and I both felt promptings and knew in our hearts a change was coming. We just thought that change was somewhere else. In fact, we’d accepted a tentative offer somewhere else- overseas. Then this offer came, and as much as I pushed back at first (it wasn’t the PLAN!) it totally felt right. Everything about it. And here we are living in a place that was never on our radar, ever. The timing of everything is so interesting & we look back and know God had a hand. In the first couple months while I comforted sad, homesick children, I often asked myself, WHAT have we done? The kids would ask why we moved, and our best answer was, “We just felt like we needed to.” Which isn’t satisfying for a hurting...

It was a busy day at the amusement park. We were standing in line for the swings behind a lady and her two sons when I happened to overhear the kid operating the ride ask the lady in a low, secretive voice, "So, you wanna ride twice?" She nodded. He says, "Okay, just stay on the ride."  My immediate thoughts are-- wait, wait, WHAT! Are you KIDDING ME? He's gonna let them ride twice?! Look at this line! We’ve all been waiting! I bet that's HER son working, and he's gonna give his family special privileges! Does he do this with other people? That is breaking rules, come on! When you start judging someone on ONE thing, it's so easy to judge them on another thing, and pretty soon you think you have their WHOLE LIFE figured out. Let me tell you what happened next. The worker opens the gate, lets this lady in, and shuts the gate. Huh? Then he opens the exit. And in comes a man, pushing a teen boy in a wheelchair with obvious mental and physical impairments...

Since we weren’t able to have an “official” tour of the Sacred Grove when we walked the grounds a few weeks ago, we signed up for a virtual tour last week! I’ve been there twice and had the “tour,” so I knew this would be great for the kids to hear stories and see inside the Smith homes. In my mind, this Zoom call was mainly for THE KIDS. What I didn’t expect was the Spirit hitting me like a TON of bricks as I listened to the missionaries testify. I was in tears! I feel it again right now as I write this.  I’d had a beautiful experience at the grove a few weeks ago. I love that sacred place! But, Isn’t it interesting that the Spirit was JUST as powerful, if not MORE, sitting in my living room watching a computer screen of the Sacred Grove as actually sitting IN the Sacred Grove?  I keep thinking about this! Pure testimony invites the Holy Ghost, and the Holy Ghost testifies of truth. He can testify of truth no matter where we are, what we have seen, or HAVEN’T seen with our ow...

A fellow soccer mom struck up a conversation with me the other day. I told her we moved here right before the shut down, and she asked with concern, “Oh wow, so do ya’ll have a good church to go to? You need a good faith family in times like these!” For a second I was tempted to say yes, and leave it at that. But I decided to go for it, “Yes, we do! We are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and it was so nice to have a faith family after the move!”  My heart rate went up a bit. What does she think? Is she gonna ask me about a gold Bible? About my sister wives? Does she know what a “Mormon” is? I’m HOW old, and yet explaining my religion is all new to me?! She said she was glad & that she also has a really good church family in her non-denominational faith. And that was it. Whew! I did it! I boldly declared my religion and nobody attacked me! (Yet) Eight months ago we left our Utah “bubble,” so they say, and ventured out to the Midwest. I am 100% falling...

When my second oldest was baptized, it started off great. We carefully got everything ready at the house for the gathering afterward and I even got all 6 kids nicely dressed with a couple minutes to spare!  Then we got to the church and I realized I’d forgotten the diaper bag. Ohh no. Between my wriggly baby and my mischievous toddler who wouldn’t listen to a WORD I said, I spent most of the program out in the hallway. I managed to slip in to see my good husband baptize my son, but was right back out in the hallway chasing my runaway child. When I tried listening to the confirmation, I heard nothing due to naughty kids.  As I left for the restroom with the two crazies in tow, I could feel my eyes burning and I willed myself to stop the tears. But I couldn’t. I cried and cried in that restroom! I was like, Erika! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER! I’m not like this! I deal with crazy kids all the time! Still I cried. I felt like a failure! I was so sad & frustrated at not feeling part...

Every single night for like a year now my littlest boy tells me, “I love you to the infinitieth power every day at every time." Then yesterday he came home from school with it written on the back of a worksheet. ❤️ I don't know where he got this saying, or where he learned the infinity symbol, but it is the sweetest! I mean, you can't really top the infinitieth power. This same kid also informed me awhile ago, “If you ever kicked me out of the house, I wouldn't run away from you, mom. I'd just stay on the front porch." 😂 I mean, I’m not PLANNING on kicking anyone out, but good to know!  Can you tell he’s kind of a mama’s boy? You know who else stays on the front porch after we kick Him out? The One who was born in a stable because there was no room for Him at the inn. The One who was mocked, scorned, humiliated, accused, betrayed, scourged, abused, put to death. The One who taught LOVE, even your enemies. The One whose message was and is rejected throughout h...

One time I was at my son’s baseball game with five little kids. The game had just ended when a gigantic hailstorm hit. I ushered the kids under the ledge of a nearby building where we huddled until it let up. I thought, maybe we can make a run for it to the van. So off we raced toward the parking lot, which now seemed MILES away.  No sooner had we started our little jaunt when the charcoal sky burst open again, worse than before. It was CHAOS! I was like, do we turn back?! NO no no, we are too far out now, just gotta keep going! We're getting more drenched every second, I'm running with a 2-year-old in my arms while trying to herd 4 other bodies, and they are all SCREAMING THEIR HEADS OFF as thunder shakes the ground and hail pelts us in the face, and the van is still SO FAR AWAY! I’m yelling over the noise, “Come on! Just follow me! Keep following me!!” We FINALLY made it to the van, the kids scrambled into their seats in RECORD time, and I slammed the doors shut. The kids are...

A few years ago my then 5-year-old was jumping on our brand new trampoline when suddenly I heard shrieking, “I BWOKE MY ARM!” My heart froze and I ran, really scared at what I’d see. What I saw left NO doubt- his arm was definitely broken! Gently placing his floppy arm onto a pillow while he cried in pain & terror, we raced to an urgent care, who told us to head directly to the hospital cause he was gonna need surgery! He’d broken it just above his elbow ALL the way across. About the worst arm break you could get.  After a lot of screaming, crying, bruising, swelling, an artery spasm, surgery with 3 pins put in, my brave boy was on the mend. The day finally came to get his cast off and I had my doubts. I’ve never broken a bone myself, so it seemed IMPOSSIBLE that his arm could go from that grotesque, limp thing I saw to a fully functional arm.  And yet- before my eyes was his healed arm! I winced as he moved it around, sure something would snap! But no- the bone had fused ...

I just listened to the “All In” podcast episode with Randal Wright, and am totally & completely inspired. Maybe you’ve heard of his “3 word journal” idea, but this is a first for me, and it’s EXACTLY what has been on my mind for a couple YEARS now.  I used to blog all the time when my kids were younger, and I cherish those posts more than words can say! Over time, life got busier, and every post became just a catch-up post, losing the raw and real that only writing truly in the “moment” can bring. I felt this voice whispering in my soul, “Erika... You’re missing it.” Meaning, missing those beautiful little slivers of wonder, pockets of joy, nuggets of amusement, enlightening lessons from every day life that you find when you look for them. Blogging about these things not only was my sanity in the craziness that having 6 kids in less than 8 years brings, but it kept my perspective of motherhood one of gratitude, entertainment, and true enjoyment.  I started this account to ...

Every week when we’d visit my grandparents, my oma would ask if I brought my piano books so I could play for her. If I’m honest, it annoyed me a bit because I really just wanted to watch TV. But we were close and I loved her dearly, so I played. She was on dialysis, and it wasn’t going well. The sicker she got, the softer she spoke, and with her thick German accent it became so hard to communicate! I felt so frustrated because she’d try to talk to me and I could barely understand her. But when I played music, we were on the same page. We understood. I started playing for her every chance I could. Sometimes she’d start sobbing in the middle of a song, startling me. I remember specifically she would cry when I played “Traumerei” by Schumann. “Traumerei” means “dreaming” in German. She’d say, “It’s so beautiful.” It still chokes me up. I saw music differently. It connected us. Oma was dying, and she wanted me to play. That was what she wanted from me in that last bit of time she had on ea...

  The phrase “Lift up your head” has been running through my mind all week. With their faith and their very lives at stake, Nephi was “exceedingly sorrowful” and “cried mightily to the Lord” 3 Ne 1:10,12) And then, a voice: “Lift up your head and be of good cheer; for behold, the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given, and on the morrow come I into the world” (13) I wish I could see Nephi’s reaction! Did he shout for joy? Did he cry with gratitude? Did his heart race at the reality that the Savior was about to be born? Did he run to reassure the believers that everything would be all right? Did he think, I’ve been waiting my whole life for this! Did he say to himself, I KNEW IT! I KNEW He would come! We’ve all looked down in sorrow. We’ve all carried heavy burdens. Maybe it’s weakness, shame, guilt. Maybe we feel unloved. Doubt. Fear. Anger. Powerless. Disappointed. Stuck. Confused. Twisted inside out in this upside down world. Darkness. So many reasons to look ...

  Nineteen years ago I woke up alone in my apartment at BYU-Idaho not knowing the world had changed forever. The TV had been left on, so I flipped through channels while eating cold cereal. I soon realized something was terribly wrong. My roommate burst in and I asked her WHAT IS GOING ON? I listened in shock. Later, thousands of anxious students gathered for a scheduled devotional with Elder Bednar, who was the president of the university at the time.  What would he say on this day of terror? He quoted D&C 45:26, "...and the whole earth shall be in commotion, and men's hearts shall fail them” And vs. 32, “But my disciples shall stand in holy places, and shall not be moved” He continued, “We have received a number of phone calls today in the President's Office: ‘Are classes cancelled?’ The answer is no. ‘Will the devotional continue as planned?’ The answer is yes. On this, of all days, we as disciples of the Savior have the opportunity to gather together and stand in h...

 Okay, I COULDN’T help but compare 3 Ne. 3-4 to... STAR WARS. You see it too, right?! Giddianhi vs. Lachoneus? Dark Side vs. Light Side? The methods of Satan? Humor me here. FLATTERING Vader: Luke, you do not yet realize your importance. You've only begun to discover your power.  Giddianhi: I write this epistle unto you, and do give unto you exceedingly great praise; ye do stand well in defense TAUNTING Emperor: Oh no, my young Jedi, you will find that it is YOU who is mistaken- about a great many things! —Young fool! Giddianhi: It seemeth a pity unto me, most noble Lachoneus, that ye should be so foolish & vain HUNTING Emperor: Perhaps you refer to the imminent attack of your Rebel fleet... An entire legion of my best troops awaits them.  Giddianhi: ...many brave men who are at my command...do await with great anxiety for the word—Go down upon the Nephites and destroy them. RECRUITING/SEDUCING Vader: It is your destiny! Join me, and together, we can rule the galaxy a...

I was in 10th grade when I realized I was practically blind. Squinting at the board was my first clue, but I was shocked when I stood in front of the eye chart in driver’s ed! No amount of squinting would turn those fuzzy black blobs into letters!  The day I finally got glasses was MAGICAL! I walked in having NO IDEA what I was missing out on. I walked out looking at a WHOLE. NEW. WORLD. A world that was 3-D and full of vibrant color! A world where leaves, grass, and carpet had texture! A world where I could see who people were in the school hallways, and stop signs while driving!🙌🏼 I couldn’t believe I’d lived so long thinking the way I saw was good enough! Once things were clear, I was not going back. The Nephites saw many great wonders, signs, and miracles surrounding the Savior’s birth. The prophesies were true! They were “astonished” and “the more part of the people did believe” 3 Ne. 1 They saw! But after awhile “the people began to forget those signs and wonders which they...

 Last night I was talking to my baby— my 6-year-old baby— and I was noticing how much he’s grown. And I told him, “Aw, you look SO grown up! You’re not my baby, you’re a little boy! You’re so handsome!” To which he matter-of-factly replied, “Yeah, but I still pick my nose.” 😂 Well, way to remind me he’s not THAT grown up yet...  It’s good to acknowledge how far we’ve come! But it’s also good to recognize the things we need to work on. I’m really good at recognizing what I need to work on.  In fact, one small self doubt often spirals into many and soon I’m feeling like a failure at EVERYTHING. I think Satan grabs at the smallest opportunities to dig at us, like when a kid fiddles with a tiny tear in their pants and it soon turns into a giant gaping hole and you have to throw those pants away (true story). He just finds the weakest link, the tiniest flaw, and then eats at you and eats at you until that hole gets bigger and bigger and you feel like the worst person ever. I ...

I’ve always been awful at thinking on my feet. Ask me a difficult question or get in a debate with me and I’ll be like “Uhhh,” but if you give me time to write it down, I could give you a decent answer. I wish I were better at finding words in the moment! When Samuel was cast out of the city, the Lord told him to go back, “and prophesy unto the people whatsoever things should come into his heart.” So he climbed the WALL and “cried with a loud voice, and prophesied unto the people whatsoever things the Lord put into his heart... “Behold, I, Samuel, a Lamanite, do speak the words of the Lord which he doth put into my heart” What obedience! What trust! What courage! He knew the Lord would put words in his heart. He just had to speak them. “Open your mouths and they shall be filled” D&C 33 Sis. Eubanks once talked about using “your voice and your power to articulate what you know and feel.” It resonated with me a LOT. So did Pres. Nelson’s words, “As a righteous, endowed Latter-day Sai...

  I keep thinking about Samuel’s many words about treasure and the curse of the land in Helaman 13. “Whoso shall hide up treasures in the earth shall find them again no more, because of the great curse of the land, save he be a righteous man and shall hide it up unto the Lord.” “Ye are cursed because of your riches, and also are your riches cursed because ye have set your hearts upon them” “He curseth your riches, that they become slippery, that ye cannot hold them” “We have hid up our treasures and they have slipped away from us, because of the curse of the land” “The land is cursed, and all things are become slippery, and we cannot hold them” What is he talking about? What are these treasures people are hiding? How is the land cursed? What does it mean to hide your treasure unto the Lord? Is this literal or spiritual? Both? I can’t say for sure! But it’s interesting in the next chapter when Samuel prophesies about Christ’s death, he explains what will happen to the earth. And you...

I used to be in a biker gang. Yep. Only with less leather and more spandex. Less jackets with skulls and more jerseys with handy back pockets. And chains! Oh, not THOSE kinda chains. Okay, it was more of a group of women cyclists. But biker gang sounds better. Those were good times. We’d train as soon as the weather was warm enough, and one of the best parts of riding was the scenery we’d see along the way. It never got old! Every time we saw something cool we’d shout “NATURE!” bringing it to everyone’s attention in a split second, and together we’d marvel at animals like we were in a National Geographic magazine. It’s fun to share things that make you happy. My daughter got phase 1 braces and a palate expander at age 7 last year for a BAD cross bite. It’s a lot of metal for a little girl! She had the HARDEST time adjusting! While she eventually learned how to eat again, it hasn’t been too fun. Well, we just found out she gets her braces off TOMORROW! You know what she did? She ran aro...