Write at the Heart

There are two places in my patriarchal blessing where it says, “I bless you with the gift of...” And although it’s been 22 years since that blessing, I have yet to understand either of those named gifts. I am aware of other spiritual gifts I have, but wonder why the two gifts SPECIFICALLY mentioned TO ME are two I have yet to comprehend how they apply in my life. So as I read these words from God to Oliver, “Therefore this is thy gift; apply unto it” (D&C 8:4),  I think of myself. How do I apply my gifts? What am I supposed to be doing? When Oliver desired the gift of translation, the Lord bestowed it. And while explaining to him the gifts of revelation & translation, He said “no power shall be able to take it away” (8), but that “without faith you can do nothing.” (10) “Whatsoever you shall ask me... you shall have knowledge concerning it... that you may know the mysteries of God” (9, 11) Well, Oliver tried translating & failed. “You supposed that I would give it unto ...

Today I found myself engrossed in a book that couldn’t decide if it was a drama, comedy, self help, romance, or horror.  It was one of my high school journals. 😂  What could possibly bring me to relive the JOYS of adolescence? D&C 6:22-23. Let me explain. There was this boy. I liked him. A LOT. He asked me out! Then he kissed me.  Wanna know my first thought? “MISTAKE.”😬 But I REALLY liked him! So I tried to ignore those feelings. Soon I wrote, “This is HARD for me to admit. But ever since I’ve been going out with [this guy], everything is going downhill. And this is even HARDER to admit- everything about it feels WRONG. Do you think my instincts are trying to tell me something? I keep rationalizing it! But from the beginning this inner instinct told me nothing good can come out of this.” Juxtaposed with the many entries like this (dating a guy with 47 red flags) are many what I think are pretty profound spiritual entries from my teenage self. You see, I was going t...

Yesterday’s Relief Society lesson via Zoom left me feeling like the Grinch when he finds himself crying & says in confusion, “What's happening to me? I'm all...toasty inside. And I'm leaking!” We had just sung “As Sisters in Zion” at the request of our sweet teacher, & although someone warned her we’d all hear the music come through our screens differently, she insisted, “We’re gonna do it!” Sure enough, our voices were all disjointed & it did NOT sound pretty! And yet... tears burned in my eyeballs as we sang together— or, sort of together! They rolled down my cheeks during the prayer. And by the time I’d shut my laptop, I was full on “LEAKING”! The spirit hit me so strongly! Was it because we hadn’t sung together since pre-COVID? Was it the truths in the song itself? Yes and yes! But part of it was it because all week I’d been pondering- no, agonizing: WHY does it hurt so much when loved ones leave my faith?  Why does it feel so heavy & dark? So personal? ...

Years ago I signed up for a race where you hike up a mountain, then run 5 miles down. So crazy, but I did it! A year later, a group of us wanted to do it again 🤷‍♀️, but didn’t want to pay the entrance fee. So we decided to just do an “unofficial” race ourselves on a different day.  It was an adventure! Besides not bringing enough water (Hiking 101?!) we had no one leading the way for us like we did in the “official” race, & we got SO lost! Overgrown branches slashed us & wasps stung us as we stumbled & wandered through “crooked paths,” turning from the “right hand... to the left,” (D&C 3:2) trying to find our way. Then we eyed the radar domes at the top of the mountain. While we couldn’t find the exact path, we knew THAT was our destination. We headed straight towards those domes! Eventually we found the path & made it to the top. The view: well worth it! As I read about God NOT walking in “crooked paths” because “his paths are straight,” I thought about what ...

I signed up to drop dinner off to the missionaries on Christmas Day.  I had every intention of making a nice cheesy potato casserole with honey baked ham, and YES, Jello!😆 But due to a miscommunication I found myself in a rush, so instead of making a casserole from scratch, I ended up making a cheap box of au gratin potatoes from my pantry.  Like, LAME! They’re away from home on Christmas! They should get a REALLY GOOD dinner- not something they could easily make themselves! 🤦‍♀️  To make matters worse, I accidentally tipped the pan while shoving it into the oven & a bunch of it spilled out, immediately sizzling, smoking, & stinking up the whole house. ☹️ Ugh, I was ruining everything! I sheepishly handed the dinner off, hoping it wasn’t too bad.  Later that week, we had a zoom call with them, & you know what they said? “Thanks SO much for that dinner! HOW did you make those potatoes?! They were SO GOOD- they had like this nice smoky taste!” 😂😂😂 I’m ...

Today at the zoo my first-grader was having a hard time seeing the snakes in their cages. Immediately my son’s friend, not much older & not much taller than him, wrapped his arms around my boy, using all his strength to lift my son.  “Do you see it?”  “Yeah I see it!” I had to laugh because he was BARELY off the ground- literally only an inch or two! But it was not how high he lifted him that warmed my heart; it was that he noticed his need & cared enough to try!  Last night my 10-year-old daughter was begging for a pet. I’m like, we have a cat! She wailed, “But he doesn’t like me! I want a pet who LIKES me!”  She dramatically explained that the cat ALWAYS sleeps in her older sister’s room, NEVER in hers. I told her we aren’t getting another pet. And she moped about it for a good while. When bedtime came, I made my rounds to say goodnight.  To my surprise, I see my daughter in her bed happily stroking the cat, who is on his cat bed on a chair next to her...

I’m participating in a 6-week “wellness challenge” with teams, points, more veggies, less sugar, & the hope this kicks off some new healthy habits.  Sounds like January!😆 I’m coming as I am... but I’m not planning on staying as I am. With Moroni’s visit, light filled the dark room, “lighter than at noonday” (JSH 1:30).  Words were spoken. Instruction was given.  And when the light left, “the room was left as it had been before this heavenly light had made its appearance.” (43) The ROOM was left as it had been before. But JOSEPH was not left as he was before. He “lay musing... marveling greatly” (44) Moroni comes a 2nd time. And Joseph “lay overwhelmed in astonishment” with “deep... impressions” on his mind. (46) And after a 3rd visit,  Joseph “ponder[ed]” (47) Knowing life would NEVER be the same. Knowing HE would never be the same. When heavenly light enters the rooms of our hearts & we are lifted onto the illuminating plane of spiritual experiences, what h...

I feel like we just said farewell to Moroni, and now he’s back already! That was fast! 😆 Okay, not for him. But how excited was he to visit Joseph?! I like to imagine they were friends in heaven & high-fived each other saying, I got your back, bro! See ya soon!  Maybe not... but I DO think Moroni was SO eager to get the ball rolling, to tell him about the book he’d worked so diligently to preserve! It sat in the dirt long enough! It was time to bring it out of obscurity! Time to restore God’s power on the earth! Time for the voices of the dust to be heard! Time for another testament! Time for the last dispensation! Time for the gathering! “He called me by name, and said unto me that he was a messenger sent from the presence of God to me, and that his name was Moroni; that God had a work for me to do” (JSH 1:33) Moroni knew all about the work! Mormon reminded Moroni of his work in HIS last days: “For we have a labor to perform whilst in this tabernacle of clay, that we may conq...

Awhile ago I found something shocking while on Family Search. My opa had an older sister I never knew about, born a year before my great-oma and great-opa were married. She only lived 2 weeks. Her biological father’s name had been added manually in a note, a name I can’t connect to anyone. I had to know more.  My opa & oma are deceased, so I asked my mom, who asked some relatives. There was some hazy knowledge of this baby girl, with a general idea that the father was not a good man, but nobody knew much else.  The fact remained: the child was not sealed to anyone. I KNEW, deep in my SOUL, she needed to be sealed to her mother, and, though not biologically related, my great-opa.  A few weeks later, she was. When my sweet great-uncle, my opa’s brother, called to tell me thank you for instigating this,  I cried for joy. Recently I was thinking about my opa again, about his near death experience in war-torn Germany. While saving his genealogy papers, he was badly bu...

I made frozen pizza the other day. After awhile my family is like- WHAT IS BURNING? Turns out, I had read the instructions for the TOASTER oven, NOT the regular oven. They had very similar steps, but one difference- a longer cook time. Which resulted in a VERY crispy pizza. 😬 All it took is ONE thing off to change the whole outcome. Like the time I mistakenly used powdered sugar instead of flour while making cookies. (I was 17! 🤦‍♀️) Or the time I forgot to put sugar in pumpkin pie. Or burned popcorn cause I was off by a few seconds. This is how Satan works. He uses ALMOST all the right ingredients. He uses philosophies of men MINGLED with scripture. At first glance, nothing seems off at all! It looks good! He "is quite adept at taking truth & reconstructing it in a way that serves his needs while still appearing to be true. Only by a close examination, only through additional witnesses, can we be confident that we have chosen wisely." (Nicholas J. Frederick)
 
He ...

There was a time in my life I felt so confused about why things were happening. I felt betrayed by God.  I received a blessing in which I was blessed to "come out of the darkness" and into the light. Little did I know it was just the beginning. As things got worse, I bitterly wondered WHY. In my mind, I was doing everything “right.” I didn't deserve this! I had gone down a path I thought was RIGHT. If God knew it would lead to THIS, then WHY didn't He stop me? Joseph Smith was also doing everything “right”- reading his scriptures, receiving promptings, actively seeking God. He went down a path (literally) that he thought was right- that we KNOW was right. Still, he found himself surrounded by “thick darkness.” (JSH 1:15) He was in the right place, at the right time, doing exactly what he should be doing.  Still darkness came! But instead of succumbing, he doubled down, “exerting all [his] powers to call upon God to deliver [him] out of the power of this enemy which ha...

“Ask of God.” How many times did Joseph Smith ponder that phrase before putting it to the test? Did he have any idea when he kneeled & spoke the desires of his heart the heavens would open? Did he have any idea his one question would change the world? Over the last two days, two people in two very different circumstances asked me to pray for them. I said of course I would. And then one of them responded “Thank you. Your prayers work a miracle.” Whoa. I had to read it again. And again. I wasn’t expecting that. MY prayers? It was so straightforward, so genuine, so trusting. How does she know my prayers can work a miracle? Do I even have that kind of faith in my own prayers? It can be hard to comprehend that we have direct access to God. Do we sell ourselves short of His power? I know I do. I KNOW God is there & He loves me, undeniably! I believe in prayer! But sometimes I am still scared to ask for things! Because if it doesn’t get answered, what does that say about me? Sometimes...

So we’re already in week 2 of the D&C and I haven’t gotten to my many week 1 thoughts! 😩 Truth is, I’ve been trying to write a post on a myriad of good topics from section 1- warnings, weak things breaking down the mighty, preparation, the Spirit ceasing to strive with man, a true and living church, the day of judgment speedily coming, walking in the image of God... and I just can’t seem to do it. In fact, I just spent hours, yep, hours writing a post that I just now deleted because I could NOT make it make sense.  Talk about frustrating! And I wanna throw my hands up and say I am JUST NOT GOOD at this... But my nice husband tells me I’ve got to change my measure of success- that “success” is not a post on social media, but what I have gained personally from my time pondering the scriptures. Ohhh. Great point, husband. And if I think of it that way, I have actually had amazing success tonight as I’ve studied. I’ve received such beautiful insights & understanding!  Whi...

Years ago I bought cheap spray tan & thought excitedly: a few applications of this & my white legs will be a thing of sunless glory!  I smoothed the stuff on that night & went to bed. The next day was Mother’s Day, and of course it was a MAD RUSH getting the kids ready for 9 AM church. My husband had left earlier because he was speaking that day. I slipped on a knee length skirt, wrangled the kids into the van, & off we went. We made it to the church parking lot when I glanced down at my legs... and DIED!!!! My LEGS! They looked TERRIBLE! Streaky, orangey, very obviously fake-tanned!! I was like, I CAN’T GO IN THERE LIKE THIS! But I couldn’t miss my husband’s talk! So I gathered the kids around me like little chicks (to hide my legs) walked in, sat down, & proceeded to nonchalantly rub down my legs with baby wipes. All in all, I think it must have worked okay cause no one asked if I had a disease 😂 Kinda silly looking back at it (I never tried sunless tanner ag...

What can I say about my studies in the Book of Mormon this year?  I find myself overwhelmed with deep & raw gratitude for the spiritual growth I’ve felt this year. I committed to investing more time into REALLY studying & REALLY pondering & REALLY “hearing Him,”... & my tears are falling.  HOW on earth do I sum up & articulate my love & belief in the Book of Mormon? HOW do I explain my love & belief in my Savior & Redeemer?! As Ammon says, I cannot say the smallest part of what I feel!  More than ever, I KNOW Jesus Christ is the Son of God. I feel like I am not just worshiping Him from afar, but TETHERED to Him. I find myself at His feet!  I know that ALL good things come from HIM- not necessarily within my faith- but ALL good things, whether others acknowledge Him or not. I know He truly SEES us. He HEALS us. He KNOWS us. He FORGIVES us. He wants the BEST for us! His grace is sufficient for ALL! We are ALL saved & redeemed! Saving...