Write at the Heart

 Sooo… How’s your memory? One of my kids informed me tonight that they had to interview someone who has “memories & experiences” from 9/11. Due tomorrow. #ofcourse I began telling her the story I’d been telling for years. “Well, I had JUST started college. I woke up alone in my apartment cause I had a later class & all my roommates were gone. The TV had been left on a news station. As I ate cereal I tried to change the station, but they were all showing the same thing…” Then I said: “Actually, let me go get my journal!” And as I read what I wrote in my journal on 9/11, I was shocked to find my memory DID NOT MATCH what I had written! I did NOT wake up alone in my apartment. Wait, what?! My roommate was there. Like, the good friend I shared MY room with! The TV wasn’t left on. SHE was watching it! She & I watched the news together. Wondered what the heck was going on together. Hearts dropping together. 💔 Um. HOW did I forget she was with me?? THE WHOLE TIME? I had writt...

“Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto my soul. “I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me. “I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God.” (Psalms 69:1-3) WHO has not felt this?! Help me! I’m in trouble! I’m sick of crying! God, where are you? And then the next part-  “O God, thou knowest my foolishness; & my sins are not hid from thee.” (5) You KNOW I’m weak. You see me as I am. How did I get into this mess! But please- “Deliver me out of the mire, & let me not sink: let me be delivered… out of the deep waters” (14) LET ME NOT SINK. You don’t have to take away the mud. Just let. me. not. sink. The other day my 12-year-old daughter was sinking. My husband & I were gone. She lay crying in our bed. My 13-year-old son had seen she was in distress. He went to find her. He heard her cries. Hugged her. Comforted her. Told her he was there for her, no matter what. ...

  In an effort to keep me motivated, I set a goal to cross 12 finish lines this year. I’m up to 8 races 😅 🙌 Some have gone better than others, but in every case I finish giving it all I’ve got, sweaty, exhausted, depleted, looking for water & the special finish line snacks (& MAYBE a porta-potty 😆) The BEST was after a super hard, super hot half marathon- they were handing out Wendy’s chocolate frosties at the finish 🥳  I THINK I HEARD THE HALLELUJAH CHORUS. NOTHING tasted better in that moment! And just like that, I felt rejuvenated & restored. LIFE WAS GREAT AGAIN. “Come & hear, all ye that fear God, & I will declare what he hath done for my soul.” (Psalms 66:16) What hath He done for my soul? So much more than a frosty! But do I declare it? I need to do better. Truly, in those times of struggle, exhaustion, numbness, helplessness, unworthiness… “He restoreth my soul” (Psalms 23:3) He’s there handing out bananas, granola bars, energy gels along the wa...

Today my heart pounded that familiar drumbeat of nerves mixed with the good old spirit of God, but I did not stand. I did not speak. I did not bear testimony. Though I’ve struggled to keep up with the Old Testament reading, (caught up today though! 🙌) I’ve had many thoughts & feelings & highlighted phrases, intending to write about them. But I did not share. I did not write. What holds me back? Lack of confidence? Wondering if what I have to say is good enough? If it’ll even make sense? Yeah, I tend to overthink it. Yet when asked in our church lesson last week: HOW do we prepare our youth to share the gospel? What came to my mind was - help them be articulate! Help them express their feelings about the gospel, practice writing them down, practice opening their mouth. The funny thing is, I didn’t open my mouth. I sat there with my thoughts about how we should teach our youth to share their thoughts.🤦‍♀️😆 And I didn’t share my testimony today, though the prompting was there. ...

Today one of my kids needed to share a scripture in primary, so last night we reviewed the story of Elisha, the threat of the Syrian army, & the unseen heavenly army. Later that night as I got into bed ready to relax, another kid flopped next to me. I could tell she wanted to talk, which turned into an emotional conversation about a particular struggle. 💔 But then she hugged me, looked me in the eyes, & said with hopeful confidence, “I’m gonna get through this.” And the second she said that, the scripture I’d helped my other daughter practice for primary came to my mind with full force: “Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them.” (2 Kings 6:16) Tears sprang to my eyes at her sweet faith in that moment! “I’m gonna get through this”😭 When we see the obstacles before us & cry to the Lord, “Alas, my master! how shall [I] do?” (15) how often are we unaware of the mountains full of “horses & chariots of fire round about [us]”? (17) And God is ...

This last week I found a newborn mouse in our garage. Courtesy of the cat I’m sure. To my surprise, it wasn’t dead. Its eyes hadn’t yet opened, but its hairless body still breathed in & out on the concrete floor. Since she was a little girl, my 16-year-old has brought all sorts of critters & bugs into the house to care for them. This was no exception. She gently laid it in a soft, warm place. She carefully fed it every couple hours- milk from a paintbrush. She listened to it squeak & watched it sleep. Then, after 36 hours, it died in her hands. And she cried. She took it outside to bury it. I watched her tears from the window, my heart tender for my sweet girl weeping over the tiny life of a rodent. I saw God in it. We recently visited Utah & went to the Church History Museum where artwork for the 12th International Art Competition is on display. The theme is “All Are Alike Unto God,” & I was touched by many pieces. One drawing caught my eye called “Gathering Under ...

My scripture study has been less than stellar lately & I don’t have any recent deep personal insights, to be honest. The month of May is crazy. Life is a roller coaster. So many good desires. Failing at most. Can’t seem to get it together. Last week halfway through our stake conference meeting, I realized I was not getting much out of it. I was drowsy. Disengaged. Disappointed. I prayed right then. “Please help me get something out of this. I know I should have been more prepared. Maybe it’s not too late?” I didn’t expect much. But to my surprise, there it was. Not a moment later. I felt it. WHAT CHANGED? Not the speaker. Not the subject. Not the setting. It was actually there all along. I just opened the way to receive it. And when we sang the hymn: “Where Can I Turn For Peace?” the 3rd verse hit me: “He answers privately, Reaches my reaching In my Gethsemane, Savior & Friend. Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching. Constant he is & kind Love without end.” REACHES MY ...