Write at the Heart

On the 11th day of Christmas, Christ gave me… Creation. I’m a self-proclaimed Nature Gusher. Oh, it’s just what it sounds like. I gush at nature. At trees, rivers, lakes, sunsets, landscapes, flowers, rocks, mountains, you name it, & I gush like I’ve never seen it before! 😆 I can’t help it. I find LIFE & SPIRIT in nature. Being under the heavens brings me back to myself like nothing else. I feel like Alma, who proclaimed: “All things denote there is a God” (Alma 30:44) “We cannot disregard the divine in the Creation.” (Pres. Nelson) “For by [Christ] were all ​​​things​ ​​​created​, that are in heaven, & that are in earth… (Col 1:16) “By the Son I created them, which is mine Only Begotten” (Moses 1:33) I think of Moses’ incredible vision where he “beheld the world upon which he was created… & all the children of men… he greatly marveled & wondered” (8) I BET HE GUSHED.  It took several hours for his strength to return. He said, “Now, for this cause I know that m...

Well, I ALMOST stayed on track with my 12 days of Christmas posts. But never fear, day 10 is here 😆 On the 10th day of Christmas, Christ gave me… Hope. One day when my son was in 1st grade, he came home from school with an art project where they cut up a picture & then glued it back together in an artsy way.  He told me after they cut up their pictures, they put the pieces in baggies to finish later. But when it was time to put their puzzles back together, he panicked. He couldn’t remember where his pieces went! As everyone else began gluing, he didn’t know what to do. He wanted to cry. Then he said a prayer. He told me earnestly, “Jesus Christ helped me put it back together.” The way he said “Jesus Christ” with complete confidence.❤️😭 And I thought, when things are a mess in my life, Jesus helps me put my pieces together again, too. He is Hope. “The word hope is sometimes misunderstood. In our everyday language, the word often has a hint of uncertainty… In the language of th...

On the 9th day of Christmas, Christ gave me... Eyes to See. One of the things I love most about Jesus is the way He noticed everyone. Not only noticed them, but saw them deeply. He understood their situation. He knew their worth, their potential, their heart.  For the past 9 months, I’ve volunteered at the local food pantry.  One day a young woman came in SO excited & happy. I curiously watched her run up to the lady in charge & give her a huge hug. She was glowing! Then I learned this girl’s story. A few months earlier she had come in at her absolute lowest. She was struggling big-time. When a volunteer discovered she was sleeping on the streets, he went around the pantry right then, gathered cash from other volunteers, went to Walmart, & bought her a nice sleeping bag😭 No judgment. Just kindness. She got back on her feet. She turned her life around. And she was SO excited to tell everyone how she was doing. I heard her say, "This place changed my life! And as so...

On the 8th day of Christmas, Christ gave me… Healing. For the woman with the issue of blood it was 12 years. For the afflicted man waiting at the pool of Bethesda it was 38. Six years doesn’t seem like much in comparison. But during those 6 years I pled to be healed. I struggled with horrible body image starting at age 14. I thought I could fix it. So I made myself throw up off & on for years. As you can imagine, this brought NOTHING good into my life. It drew me into a dark place of obsessive thoughts & actually fed the demons I was trying so hard to destroy.  Instead of "fixing" me, it was breaking me. Yet I couldn’t stop I prayed & prayed & didn’t know why God wasn’t taking it away from me. It is painful to remember. But I don't want to forget. Because this is a story about overcoming. A story about healing. I don’t recognize that girl anymore. There is a line in the show “The Chosen.” After being healed, Mary Magdalene says, “I was one way, & now I...

On the 7th day of Christmas, Christ gave me… Peace. I didn’t know what else to do except get out of the house & drive. I didn’t know where I was going or when I’d come back. I just knew I was in absolute turmoil. I found myself heading towards the temple. It was snowing. It was really late. I knew the temple was not the ideal place to go in slick conditions, as it was up the mountain. But I went. I saw it gleam up ahead. Not a person or car was in sight. I climbed the hill alone. Slowly I drove until the temple was in full view. It was breathtaking. I drove the loop around it, much on my mind. “Help me, God,” I pled. As I started carefully creeping my way back down the hill, movement caught my eye. A deer. Strolling gracefully across the snow-covered road in front of me. I stopped. He stopped.  We stared at each other. Me & him, in the darkness of the night, under the glow of the temple, surrounded by the beauty of falling snow. Then he continued on. And so did I. A powerfu...

On the 6th day of Christmas, Christ gave me… Repentance. One year the Easter Bunny had a SERIOUS lapse in judgment by putting FLARP in each of the kids’ baskets. What’s Flarp, you ask? It’s akin to SLIME, GOO, or PUTTY. Like I said, LAPSE IN JUDGMENT. Well, that Easter morn, I’d retreated into the basement to print off my lesson on the atonement that I'd been stressing about for DAYS.  When I ascended back upstairs, what did my innocent, never-been-Flarped eyes behold? NOT ONLY candy wrappers & jelly beans sprinkled all over the floor like confetti, I saw IT. Flarp. Melted into the carpet. In 7 different places.  It was gooey, it was wet, & it was NOT coming out. 😫 FLARP IT ALL! I was SO mad & I said some very unkind things about the Easter Bunny (aka me) to the kids. I said giving Flarp to 6 kids ages 10 & under was the stupidest idea he could have ever had. I threatened to banish him henceforth. I threatened to throw their baskets right into the garbage. We ...

On the 5th day of Christmas, Christ gave me… Humility.  I was fuming in my college apartment bedroom the day I realized that Jesus washed the feet of the man who betrayed him. I'd been offended & in my self-righteousness thinking things like, "How DARE they!" & “I can't BELIEVE them!" And then- as if starring in my own seminary video- my eyes fell upon my roommate's picture of Christ. My mind went to His final night. To Jesus kneeling at the feet of His disciples. Removing their filthy sandals. Gently cleaning the dirt away. He who was THEIR master, THEIR leader, THEIR teacher, THEIR Savior… yet, He washed THEIR feet. INCLUDING JUDAS. Whoa. What was THAT like? Christ knew the end of His mortal mission was coming. The ultimate sacrifice was about to take place. As well as the ultimate betrayal. And "He knew who should betray him” (John 13:11) HE KNEW. He knew that despite Judas being his friend & follower for 3 years, witness to His kindness, ...

On the 4th day of Christmas, Christ gave me… Grace. A few nights ago we went to a drive-thru live nativity put on by a local church. At each “station” people in costume enacted the Christmas story. It all was so beautiful! But I couldn’t stop thinking about the angel. “Gabriel” stood on a stool. In each hand he held two long sticks draped in flowing white cloth. He faced Mary, depicting the moment when he reveals her divine mission. And the whole time he raised his arms up & down, up & down, like angel’s wings. Over & over. And every time he raised his arms, he winced with the effort. Every. time.  My kids said worriedly, “Look how tired he is! I feel bad for him!” And so did I. How long had he been there? I saw the cars ahead & the many cars behind. I wanted to roll down my window & say, “It’s ok! You can rest! We don’t care!” But he was not breaking character. For some reason, this touched me. And days later, I am like, why? Why did it feel so meaningful? Beca...

On the 3rd day of Christmas, Christ gave me… Joy. A few years ago I was asked to be a presenter at our stake women’s conference on “Living with Enthusiasm.” I was excited & terrified. The next few weeks as I prepared my talk, several extremely hard things happened to people around me. My heart hurt so much from the pain others were experiencing, & I asked myself, "HOW can I POSSIBLY speak on living life with enthusiasm?" It seemed impossible. I searched the scriptures & read Alma 26. It changed everything. I felt every word. My heart burned as I read it over & over, Ammon’s expressions of pure joy, REJOICING at life & GLORYING in the Lord. Why was he SO HAPPY? -Repentance- he changed from a wicked, rebelling youth to a humble man of God. Did it make his life easier? No! But it brought purpose, meaning, & joy into his life. -Service & sacrifice- he refused to be a king in order to teach the gospel to a seemingly hopeless people, suffering “every pri...

On the 2nd day of Christmas, Christ gave me… Divine Worth. When I was 12, I had 2 posters hung up in my room: Jonathan Taylor Thomas (fondly known as JTT) 🤷‍♀️😂, & a poster of Christ with the words “You Are Never Alone.”  That poster of JTT had been GREATLY sought after. I marched into the local drug store, babysitting money in hand, & beamed in happiness as I took that adorable face home! It was the FIRST (and only, actually) celebrity to grace my walls!! Yes, my life was complete! I could gaze upon JTT's face in my VERY ROOM. My friends & I admired his cute flannel jacket, his cheesy smile, his chestnut bangs… Ah, to be 12. Now, the other poster. The poster of Christ was given as a gift to welcome me into the Young Women’s program. It hung on the wall directly across my bed. It caught my eye a lot, & when I prayed, or felt sad, or scared, I often found myself opening my eyes & talking right to Him.  I can see the pink & white striped wall behind Him...

On the 1st day of Christmas, Christ gave me… Love. President Joseph F. Smith, just before he died, was in the act of pondering 1) “the great atoning sacrifice that was made by the Son of God”  And 2) “the great & wonderful love made manifest by the Father & the Son in the coming of the Redeemer into the world” (D&C 138:2-3) Great Sacrifice. Great Love. With such reflection came an unbelievably significant & mind-blowing revelation for President Smith- one that explained Peter’s Biblical words about Christ preaching to the spirits in prison.  One that revealed Christ as the Savior to All. ALL. Even those “who had died in their sins, without a knowledge of the truth, or in transgression, having rejected the prophets.” (32) The spirit world is a place of learning & growing?! How incredible it is to know we still have opportunities, change, & progression AFTER we die!  What a gift! Death is not the end! Not for our physical bodies, not for our minds, n...

“We announce the martyrdom of Joseph Smith the Prophet…” (D&C 135:1) The prophet was dead. But the restored gospel was here to stay. He knew who he was. He knew his mission. He said: ​​​​“I speak boldly & faithfully & with authority… I understand my mission & business. God Almighty ​​is my shield; & what can man do if God is my friend? I shall not be sacrificed until my time comes; then I shall be offered freely.” He knew his time was short. He knew the risks of speaking the truth. He did it anyway. “…though I was hated & persecuted for saying that I had seen a vision, yet it was true… who am I that I can withstand God, or why does the world think to make me deny what I have actually seen? For I had seen a vision; I knew it, & I knew that God knew it, & I could not deny it, neither dared I do it” There will always be those who don’t believe. ​​​​“… You don’t know me; you never knew my heart. No man knows my history… I don’t blame any one for not believin...

It was the WORST marathon experience of my life. Halfway through, something went horribly wrong. I was having a few issues & I felt my goals, along with all my motivation, slipping out the window.  Physically, I felt done. Mentally, I felt done. And I still had 13 miles to go. 13!! I held back tears as I switched between walking & running- ok, shuffling. HOW could I finish? Words can’t describe how disappointed I was in myself. It was not what I trained for. Not what I planned for. Just then, a lady came up from behind me. She walked & talked with me for a few minutes until she took off again. Immediately my spirits were lifted. Mile after mile, strangers spoke words of encouragement to me, many struggling themselves. And my feet somehow kept taking the next step. And the next. And when I was dying of thirst in the hot sun, a woman on a motorbike appeared & offered ice from her little cooler, which I shoved right into my mouth. It was heaven-sent! I was like- is the...