Write at the Heart

Today my heart pounded that familiar drumbeat of nerves mixed with the good old spirit of God, but I did not stand. I did not speak. I did not bear testimony. Though I’ve struggled to keep up with the Old Testament reading, (caught up today though! 🙌) I’ve had many thoughts & feelings & highlighted phrases, intending to write about them. But I did not share. I did not write. What holds me back? Lack of confidence? Wondering if what I have to say is good enough? If it’ll even make sense? Yeah, I tend to overthink it. Yet when asked in our church lesson last week: HOW do we prepare our youth to share the gospel? What came to my mind was - help them be articulate! Help them express their feelings about the gospel, practice writing them down, practice opening their mouth. The funny thing is, I didn’t open my mouth. I sat there with my thoughts about how we should teach our youth to share their thoughts.🤦‍♀️😆 And I didn’t share my testimony today, though the prompting was there. ...

Today one of my kids needed to share a scripture in primary, so last night we reviewed the story of Elisha, the threat of the Syrian army, & the unseen heavenly army. Later that night as I got into bed ready to relax, another kid flopped next to me. I could tell she wanted to talk, which turned into an emotional conversation about a particular struggle. 💔 But then she hugged me, looked me in the eyes, & said with hopeful confidence, “I’m gonna get through this.” And the second she said that, the scripture I’d helped my other daughter practice for primary came to my mind with full force: “Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them.” (2 Kings 6:16) Tears sprang to my eyes at her sweet faith in that moment! “I’m gonna get through this”😭 When we see the obstacles before us & cry to the Lord, “Alas, my master! how shall [I] do?” (15) how often are we unaware of the mountains full of “horses & chariots of fire round about [us]”? (17) And God is ...

This last week I found a newborn mouse in our garage. Courtesy of the cat I’m sure. To my surprise, it wasn’t dead. Its eyes hadn’t yet opened, but its hairless body still breathed in & out on the concrete floor. Since she was a little girl, my 16-year-old has brought all sorts of critters & bugs into the house to care for them. This was no exception. She gently laid it in a soft, warm place. She carefully fed it every couple hours- milk from a paintbrush. She listened to it squeak & watched it sleep. Then, after 36 hours, it died in her hands. And she cried. She took it outside to bury it. I watched her tears from the window, my heart tender for my sweet girl weeping over the tiny life of a rodent. I saw God in it. We recently visited Utah & went to the Church History Museum where artwork for the 12th International Art Competition is on display. The theme is “All Are Alike Unto God,” & I was touched by many pieces. One drawing caught my eye called “Gathering Under ...

My scripture study has been less than stellar lately & I don’t have any recent deep personal insights, to be honest. The month of May is crazy. Life is a roller coaster. So many good desires. Failing at most. Can’t seem to get it together. Last week halfway through our stake conference meeting, I realized I was not getting much out of it. I was drowsy. Disengaged. Disappointed. I prayed right then. “Please help me get something out of this. I know I should have been more prepared. Maybe it’s not too late?” I didn’t expect much. But to my surprise, there it was. Not a moment later. I felt it. WHAT CHANGED? Not the speaker. Not the subject. Not the setting. It was actually there all along. I just opened the way to receive it. And when we sang the hymn: “Where Can I Turn For Peace?” the 3rd verse hit me: “He answers privately, Reaches my reaching In my Gethsemane, Savior & Friend. Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching. Constant he is & kind Love without end.” REACHES MY ...

She didn’t want to do track & field. But she needed a gym credit. She was SO nervous & WAY out of her comfort zone. Week after week, running & more running. She started to believe in herself. The meets were even going ok! I loved watching her be brave. Then her coach put her in the 2-miler for the home meet. She cried. SHE WAS SCARED. She hadn’t trained for that distance! She knew she was going to be WAY last & completely embarrass herself! I knew she could do it. I prayed for her to know, too. In her words (that she shared in church today): “On the day of the meet, I was terrified & did not think I could finish the 8 laps. I prayed a lot & when it was my event, I felt a calm. I started running & I felt good. I knew the spirit was with me. I could feel it as I ran.  My Heavenly Father definitely helped me cross the finish line. As I crossed the finish line, I felt exhausted, & one of my teammates was there waiting for me & wrapped me in the bigge...

 Stuck at the seashore. The enemy behind & deep waters ahead.   “Entangled in the land, the wilderness hath shut [me] in.” (Ex. 13:3) What do I do? Lately I am definitely feeling the “bigger kids, bigger problems,” & I have REALLY been missing the days when everything was fixed with a popsicle. Or a bandaid. Or a timeout. When mommy could kiss it better. Parenting is no joke. The responsibility is amazing & terrifying at the same time. One minute I’m a natural, the next I’m completely out of my element. It’s felt very heavy lately & I feel like I’m drowning. Or like I’m walking a tightrope, & the way I handle things right now is gonna make or break the future. Such a delicate, crucial balance. What if I mess up? What if I miss something? How can I be more deliberate? How can I be the best mom I can be for my kids? How do I not fail them? Those beautiful, incredible, imperfect kids… they’re everything. And the words spoken at the seashore sink in my sou...

So my oldest is learning how to drive. And even though it is TERRIFYING to hop in a car with your teenager & let them take your VERY LIFE in their hands, I feel like I’m a pretty upstanding parent passenger. Well, APPARENTLY my daughter thinks this is NOT QUITE accurate. APPARENTLY, while I’m SAYING all the right things, my body language says something different. 🤷‍♀️ Ok, maybe clinging to the door handle, clenching my arm rests, tensing, gasping, squeaking, groaning ALL SAY OTHERWISE. Who decided we could legally put 16-yr-olds behind the wheel anyway?! 😉 (She really is doing great, btw!) Point is, she sees my actions no matter what I’m saying. I can imagine how crazy Moses felt every time Pharaoh said one thing & did another. With each new calamity came promise after promise: “I will let the people go” (Ex. 8:8), with apparent humility, “I have sinned this time” (9:27) & “forgive, I pray thee, my sin” (10:17) But when each trial ended & “he saw that there was respit...