Our Direction Is More Important Than Our Speed

“I’m just horrible! I shouldn’t be in this family!”

That’s what my 8-year-old yelled a few weeks ago after getting in trouble.

I cried to my husband: I’m gonna fail her, I’m gonna push her away, she’s gonna end up hating me.

And I prayed to God: Help me be a better mom to her! Help me to have the right balance of compassion & discipline! Give me patience & instruction! I can’t do this alone.

And a memory came to mind when she was 2. It had been another rough day. I prayed to feel better. I pleaded for reassurance I was doing something right. 

Well, nothing big happened. I remember that evening I was still feeling blah. WHERE WAS MY SIGN? Did God even hear me? 

Then that 2-year-old came up to me & told me, "Mama bed.” And she put me to bed & crawled in next to me. I went with it!

We closed our eyes, peeked, & laughed. It was the most hilarious thing ever. (I WAS tired.) We did it over & over.

Finally, she fell asleep. As I listened to her breathing next to me, I felt like I could breathe again. Peace entered my heart. There was no grandiose answer to my prayer. But I felt profound love for my family & from above. I KNEW I was okay.

Fast forward to the day that daughter said she was too horrible for our family. We’d given her every chance to make it right but she went to bed angry.

So did I. 

But then I thought: maybe she’s too old to climb in my bed anymore, but I could climb into hers. 

So I crept in her room & held her. 

Her anger had gone. She whispered in sorrow, “I’m sorry. I’m gonna try to do better.” 

“Me too, baby girl.” 

“I’m glad you’re my mom. There’s nothing in the whole universe I’d want but my family.”

And we both cried.

I know there will be more days of desperate pleas to heaven. But in that moment, peace entered my heart.

It was a turning point for both of us. 

Repentance= Turning Points

To God: I’m sorry. I’m gonna try to do better. I’m so glad I am Your child. There’s nothing I want more than my family. Thank You for them. Thank you for seeing my heart & loving me despite my mistakes. For changing me.

“He rejoices every time we take a step forward. To Him, our direction is ever more important than our speed.”

Elder Lawrence