Write at the Heart

As we watched a video about Christ on Christmas Eve, I glimpsed my oldest daughter discreetly brushing tears from her eyes. I was feeling the spirit, so I thought she was too. Aw! No. Turns out she’s pretty homesick. It’s been almost a year since we moved, and it’s our first Christmas ever away from extended family. She misses them. She misses her friends. She was not crying out of joy. She was crying cause she was sad. Oh, my heart. I told her it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to let your guard down & take your “happy face” off. It’s okay to struggle sometimes. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong, or not trying, or unrighteous. It CAN. But sometimes it just means you’re human. I thought about it again tonight when my other daughter had a breakdown while playing a game. She was trying SO hard to be a good sport, but kept losing again & again.  I told her games are about having fun! But she collapsed into an angry heap sobbing, “But this is NOT fun! Not fun AT ALL!” D

Mary- a young maiden, engaged, never known a man. Elisabeth- “well stricken in years,” (Luke 1:18), married, barren.  Different circumstances, ages, life experiences. Until an angel’s visit changes everything. The impossible is made possible as they both find themselves with child. Not just any children- but spirits prophesied to change the world! Spirits meant to come down only a few months apart. Spirits eternally connected in purpose, one preparing the way for the other. My heart is tender as I think of Mary & Elisabeth! I love that the angel tells Mary her cousin is also pregnant! I love that she went “with haste” (39) to visit Elisabeth! How comforted she must have felt knowing she wasn’t alone in this miraculous conception & divine calling! We don’t know how well they knew each other, how long it’d been since they’d seen each other, but we do know that upon Mary’s greeting, Elisabeth IMMEDIATELY recognizes who Mary’s carrying! “The babe leaped in her womb; and Elisabeth w

I have some... insecurities... about letting people into my very imperfect, never-cute-enough, never-clean-enough home! (I blame it on 6 kids!) It’s not like we live in an episode of “Hoarders” or anything- we DO clean! But I always feel a bit vulnerable inviting people into our living space, & I get hyper aware of fingerprints, clutter, dinged up furniture... That said, I’ve come a long way & am trying hard to let go & let people in. Last night we invited friends over for the BYU game. Naturally, we cleaned the house. Well, the FIRST thing my friend asks is if she can use the microwave for the bean dip she was gonna make. WHAT. The microwave?! I died!! The kitchen was clean, but NOT inside the microwave! I KNEW it looked like a bomb went off in there!😳 When I realized there was no way for me to nonchalantly wipe it down without her noticing, I said with embarrassment, “Sure, you can use the microwave! But, um, it’s like REALLY messy!”  And she looked at me & said, “Yo

When I was in high school, a few of us decided to get together after a Christmas choir performance. I followed a friend to a house I’d never been, we had fun, and it was late & foggy when it was time to go. I tried to remember the way I came, but was soon lost. I had no cell phone & no sense of direction. I panicked! Then prayed. Then through the haze I glimpsed the star on the mountain, the star that lit up in my hometown every December since I could remember. I knew that star was right above my house. It looked tiny, so far away, but it was enough. I followed that star home. I remember thinking at the time, “Just like the wise men.” “Lo, the star, which they saw in the east, went ​​before them, till it came and stood over where the young child was. When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy.” (Matt. 2:9-10) A few days beforehand, I was a different kind of lost, a different kind of far. I’d written in my high school journal: “What’s wrong with me?! Sometime

Last night we bought tickets to a Christmas lights drive-thru. We drove the 40 min there, began our wait in the HUGE line to get in, and then while waiting, our tire popped.  FLAT TO THE RIM. Super! We were forced to drive on the rim while trapped in the ginormous line, which felt terrifying! Finally, we were able to pull off to the side to put the spare on while half the kids tried to help & half just bugged each other. It was an ORDEAL. In the rain, no less! My husband said out of all the tires he’s changed, that was THE hardest. But we did it! 2 hours later, wet & dirty, we were ready to see the Christmas lights we’d come to see!  Well, not 1 minute in, we felt a familiar wobbling, and SURE ENOUGH, the SPARE was completely flat to the rim! WHAT THE HECK! Ya kidding me! We were pretty deflated! (Just a little tire humor...) I wanted to cry! What now?! We’d tried so hard to fix it! All for what? While WE were unable to move forward, it seemed like a hundred cars passed us, all

Confession: The other day I threw my hands up in the air and exclaimed, “Man, I HATE giving!” Not my proudest moment. 😬 What I meant was, I’m not GOOD at giving. Ok, that doesn’t sound better. I stress out a LOT over gifts. Some people are so thoughtful with gifts and know exactly what to give, but when I try, my mind goes blank. Then I procrastinate until I absolutely HAVE to do SOMETHING, and end up giving lame-o gifts & feel bad. “God loveth a cheerful giver” (2 Cor. 9:7) Whoops. Why is giving so hard sometimes? When my 8-year-old was invited to a birthday party last week, I showed her the Trolls LEGO set I bought for her friend. Her face fell! She BEGGED me not to wrap it. She did NOT want to give that gift! Puzzled, I asked why not! She said it looked TOO babyish, then cried while telling me one time at a birthday party the receiver of her gift announced she didn’t like it in front of everyone. My daughter, embarrassed & ashamed, feared it would happen again. She feared r

I love how Moroni is like- this is true, but don’t take MY word for it! Find out for yourself- with a SINCERE HEART, REAL INTENT, FAITH, & “by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things” (Mor. 10:5) It’s a BOLD promise. I’ve had the opportunity to hear some sacred experiences first-hand from loved ones concerning the other side of the veil; three with near-death experiences & one with her deceased father.  It’s interesting that in all of their accounts, they noted that communication was very different than the way we know it.  From one of them: “What he told me was spirit-to-spirit, a means of which I hadn’t been aware until I experienced it. With spirit-to-spirit there can be NO miscommunication.” SPIRIT TO SPIRIT. Doesn’t it makes sense that the Spirit speaks to us in a language we’d recognize from our premortal life?  Elder Christofferson said, “Faith will not come from the study of ancient texts as a purely academic pursuit. It will not come from archae

How to accidentally steal a cat: 1. Black cat shows up on your porch every day. 2. Kids can’t resist holding & petting him 3. Let him come in the house once 4. Maybe twice 5. Ok more 6. Eventually buy cat food cause he keeps eating mac & cheese off the floor. 7. Let him sleep over when he shows up wounded 8. And repeat 9. Congrats! You now have a cat that’s not really your cat! Ok, we are NOT catnappers, but 3 years ago we found ourselves in this situation. This cat kept showing up at our door! With terrible wounds! Did he have a deadly disease? In a cat gang? Abused? 😢 Was anyone else taking care of him? We didn’t know. Honestly, he was gross. He was pitiful. We didn’t know what to do. We weren’t pet people! But for months, we let him in.  One day when the cat looked particularly dismal, my husband taught the kids a tender lesson. He said anyone can be nice when it’s convenient. But being kind when you don’t HAVE to be, when no one EXPECTS you to be, when ANYONE would underst

I had a realization. These are kinda my “small plates."  Nephi had “big plates,” where he wrote the "more part of all [his] proceedings" (1 Ne. 19:2), the "more history part" (2 Ne. 4:14).  But the Lord commanded him to ALSO write on “small plates.”  Why? Well, for the “more plain and precious parts" (1 Ne. 9:3), where "more sacred things may be kept" (19:5), the “things of God,” things "good in the Lord's sight.” 2 Ne. 5:30, 32) I’ve got big plates- I’m a documenter at heart. I started journaling at age 8 & never stopped, then blogged & Instagrammed for years. But I felt whisperings... I needed small plates. So I began this account in July, keeping in mind Nephi’s same thoughts about his small plates:  “The things which are pleasing unto the world I do not write, but the things which are pleasing unto God and unto those who are not of the world." (1 Ne. 6:5) “I write the things of my soul" (2 Ne. 4:15) As I’ve focused

A few Decembers ago I was singing “Shingle Bells” and it did NOT make spirits bright. It all began with weird numbness on my leg.  A couple days later, tingling.  Then redness. Then bumps. Then blisters. THEN a full blown burning RASH accompanied by HORRIBLE nerve pain.  Only then did I go to the doctor, where he confirmed: I had SHINGLES.  I’m like, you mean what old people get? Yep, THAT shingles. 👍😂 He told me I SHOULD have started antiviral medication at the FIRST sign of symptoms, days ago. I asked if there was at least anything he could do for the pain. And this new doctor I’d never seen before looked at me like he couldn’t be bothered & asked, “Is it really that bad?” IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?! How about I stab your leg with NEEDLES and then torch it on FIRE? IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?  (I’m not bitter) Don’t worry, I politely responded. And spent the next few miserable days in the company of many cold, wet towels. I can imagine Moroni’s comfort when he received a letter from his

 I am SO grateful for the accounts of darkness in The Book of Mormon. I know, sounds bad. But reading the accounts of wickedness, rejection, contention, persecution, deceit, anti-Christs, secret combinations, & apostasy reassures me that IT HAS ALL HAPPENED BEFORE. Since the beginning of time. The rejection of scripture, prophets, sacred covenants, the gospel, & even Jesus Christ himself is NOT NEW.  It’s happened again & again. I’ve read about it all year long, this pattern of darkness & light.  The same pattern today.  So when I look around at the darkening shadows & mourn at the broken bonds of faith, I’m comforted. Our day was foreseen! This is the pattern.  It is a day of sifting. Of choosing. No more fence sitting. Elder Holland said, “We are witnessing an ever greater movement toward polarity. The middle-ground options will be removed from us as Latter-day Saints.”  It’s gonna be rough as the chasm deepens between believers and non-believers, dividing friends

A phrase caught my eye this week. “...relying alone upon the merits of Christ, who was the author and the finisher of their faith.” (Mor. 6:4).  The AUTHOR and the FINISHER of their faith. It’s like I’d never seen it before. What does it mean? The scripture reference in Hebrews hit me even more. “Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,  “Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross...” (Heb. 12:1-2) What an amazing visual- abandoning my burdens, running (with patience!) the race of life, all the while keeping my eyes on Christ, the author and finisher of my faith. Then the Greek meaning of “finisher,” found in the footnote, clarified everything: “One who completes, perfects.” He completes my faith. He perfects my faith! I’m always agonizing if I am enough! But He BEGAN this faith in me- He started it! I am NOT alone in thi

I sat in the back of the chapel for most of the 7 year + 10 month period when my husband couldn’t sit with me due to callings (but who’s counting?) I’d walk in late to sacrament meeting each week with my church bag, diaper bag, baby carrier, toddler on my hip, other kids behind me (who may or may not have their hair combed), spit up on my dress, and fake smile on my face hiding the fact that I yelled at the kids on the way there.  I mean, where was home church THEN? 😉 Luckily I had my people in the back. Back People= My People! Back people are the latecomers who missed out on the cushy seats. But I liked the back cause it meant less people observing my ninja-like moves as I tried to control the kids. The back allowed for more comfort in my chaos!  What happens in the back stays in the back! (mostly!) Back people watch out for each other & catch escaping children! Back people are just glad to be there AT ALL. We’re like, HEY, we are HERE. WE MADE IT.  And it’s okay, because the sac

My husband and I joke that the end of The Book of Mormon is like the ending in the last “Lord of the Rings” movie. Every time you THINK it’s over, it just keeps going. 😆 Moroni SEEMS like he’s wrapping things up a couple times, like, farewell all! Then he just keeps writing! “I write a few more things, that perhaps they may be of worth... in some future day” (Mor. 1:4) I LOVE that he’s prompted to write more, ESPECIALLY because he’s already lamented to us over his perceived weakness in writing! I mean, he TRULY must have been so humbly hopeful that “perhaps” his “weak” writings would be of worth someday. And so, a letter to Moroni: Dear Moroni,  YES. Your writings are of worth! GREAT WORTH. You write some of my favorite verses in the whole book! I am NOT just saying that. Not long ago, my family visited the Hill Cumorah. We were the only ones there. The kids ran up & down the hill while I spontaneously sat & read your book. YOUR writings. And I had a totally unexpected & p